The Setting Sun
by ElectricFlowerChildren
Summary: "And it calmed me, this statement. I didn't know why Jacob wasn't pressing me for more details, or why I hadn't pressed him for any, but details and stories were like wine. They aged with time, their sweet flavors bursting apart in your mouth."
1. We All Need Fixing

**Disclaimer:** I make no assumptions that the characters in these books are of my creation. What I do with them, however, is.

**Authors Note: **This takes place going on five years after Eclipse. I like to pretend that _Breaking Dawn_ doesn't exist. I think that most of us do. Shame on you, S. Meyers.

Fall had arrived in Forks, and with it a new month of endless downpour. I should be used to it by now, but every time it starts to rain I tuck my chin in my jacket and hope my hair isn't too bad by the time I get back home.

I bring it on myself, really. I came back to Forks after graduating from Columbia University in New York. Cities weren't really my thing…too many people, too much glamour. And the cold. If I had ever thought that Forks was cold, those beliefs were dashed when I spent my first winter in New York.

But the cold was good, at least for a while. The cold reminded me of _him…_of Edward. I wrapped a scarf around my face and imagined his fingers pulling it back and letting his lips rest on the soft part of the skin on my neck. I pulled on gloves and imagined him curled in bed with me, his fingers always the iciest part of his body.

And yet, a broken heart is mended in time. That's what my Mom kept telling me on phone calls between Phil's games. I braved the streets of New York, my English papers printed on sheets white as the snow, my feet leaving footprints behind in the slush and I tried, I really tried to forget about his existence.

I still haven't.

Which is why I'm back here, honestly, though I've denied it to everyone who has asked. How could I admit that four years had passed and I was still racking my brain for the whereabouts of someone who no longer loved me?

I couldn't.

But again, I brought it on myself. I couldn't complain about the rain in Forks because I had come back. I had told Charlie over graduation dinner that he better get a moving truck and he was so happy that I almost felt bad for telling him that it was because I _missed_ Forks.

And so, I rolled down the window of my car, shoving my arm out with my palm turned up, catching the rain.

* * *

><p>I had the whole kitchen smelling like lasagna in less than two hours. It was Charlie's favorite, and I considered it rent of some sorts. A twenty-two year old shouldn't be living with her father, not with a college degree in the bag, I thought. She shouldn't be lounging in bed at noon when she could be getting a job somewhere.<p>

"A twenty-two year old is simply too old for acting like a teenager." I told myself.

"What's that, Bella?"

"Hey Dad."

Charlie hadn't been as lucky as I was in the rain. A recent string of burglaries on unsuspecting campers had left him out in the woods this whole miserable and wet week. He almost always came home soaked through.

"Nothing. I mean, I was just thinking aloud that we are too old to pretend we can eat anything and get away with it." I rubbed my belly while sticking it out. Charlie laughed.

"Maybe me, but you could use some skin. I still think you weren't using the money your Mom and I gave you for food back in New York." He chortled.

I stuck out my tongue.

"Don't sass the cook."

He hung his jacket on the hanger near the door and went upstairs. I checked the oven through the glass, careful to not open it and let the heat out.

I had two plates on the table by the time he got downstairs again. Dinner was just the two of us like always. We ate in comfortable silence, aside from chewing and swallowing.

"Did you add spice this time?" he asked and I shook my head. "It tastes spicy."

"Maybe your tolerance is going down, old man." We were snorting quietly in our pasta when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it. Stay, don't move."

My feet hit the floor and I counted the steps it took until I reached the doorknob and opened it.

_One, two, three, four….seven, eight, nine-_

"Bella?"

I slipped and fell on my knees, my elbows hitting the floor at a bad angle.

"Ow, ow, ow. I can't believe I'm still so clumsy, what happened to aging with grace-"

And then I saw who was helping me up and my breath escaped me. I couldn't breathe. It felt like my windpipes were snapped in half.

Warm fingers lingered on my forearm, but only for a minute.

"Jake."

His hair was still cropped short, his skin so tan for the fall. I could tell he had been keeping in shape but his face had lost weight. His cheekbones came out a little more and I was surprised to know immediately why. _He's a man now_, I thought. _How did that happen?_

I thought in my head of a couple days ago, when I had been looking in the mirror and noticed for the first time some wrinkles on my forehead. Not prominent and they left as soon as I relaxed my face, but they were there. A few came out around my eyes and mouth, but that was standard.

_ Oh,_ I thought. _That's how._

"I didn't know you were here." He said solemly. "If I had known I would have…" he trailed off and pushed a hand through his hair.

"You would have not come? Waited until I wasn't in the house?" I smiled. "Ignored some more of my letter?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't get any letters." He lied.

"Right." I grimaced tightly. "Well then, let's pretend that I'm _not_ here. I assume you need Charlie?" He nodded. "Charlie!" I called and started to walk back to the table in the kitchen. Only seven steps were needed to put space between Jake and I.

"Is it Officer Tupaski again? I shouldn't have left him alone, he's so new." He stood and placed silverware on his empty plate.

"No. Actually…it's Jake." I tried not to let my face betray my discomfort.

"Oh." He responded. "Well I'll just…"

"Yeah, I'll clean up."

I washed dishes in silence, trying my best to clatter everything around loudly enough that I couldn't hear either of them, but Jake's voice rumbled over bubbles that slipped through my fingers.

"Damn it all." I muttered. How did he not know I was here?

* * *

><p>Showers were still my favorite ritual. As much as I had tried over the years to cling to the coldness of <em>him<em>, I longed for warmth. For friendship. For _home_.

Every night I faced tiny needles that came onto my skin and blanketed me temporarily. My hair had used to get in the way, tangling and falling in my face. But before graduation I had hastily chopped it all off, a few inches below my chin. It was a lot to handle, most of the time trying to spring out everywhere, but I was lucky usually and cold run a brush through it until it curled up nicely.

I was combing it out on my bed, feeling the ever-going rain bringing down the temperature more and more. My bare legs were tangled in my sheets but I was barely dressed in a cami and a pair of black bikini underwear. It was cold, but as I kept reminding myself…didn't I like the cold?

There were short little pangs on my window. A light _tap-tap-tap._ For a moment I was seventeen again and I was afraid that Victoria was back. But she was dead, along with that particular part of my life. I had nothing to fear…right?

Cautiously I untangled myself and came down onto my floor. I slowly walked to my window and peered out. My heart beat faster. It was only Jake.

_What is Jake doing here? _My inner dialogue continued.

I opened my window and stepped back. I knew he'd be inside within seconds.

"Hey Bella." His feet barely thud on the floor. As big as he was, he was more graceful than I was. Everyone is though.

"We're adults now Jake, and you insist on throwing pebbles and coming in through my window?" I frowned.

He shrugged.

"What else am I supposed to do, knock on the door at eleven pm? With the burglaries going on?"

"You know about the burglaries?" I whispered. I felt foolish for being afraid of waking up Charlie. I was a grown woman.

"They originated in La Push. But anyway, that's not why I'm here."

I raised an eyebrow.

"I'd assume not, considering you came here earlier for that." I dangled the bait. He took it.

"Right. Yeah. Sorry for that. I was only surprised."

"Surprises are for people who are usually happy upon getting them."

"And for people who disappear indefinitely."

"I sent you letters." I seethed.

"I didn't come to argue." He touched my shoulder. "I came to see if you were alright."

"I sent you letters letting you know how I was. Or did you not even open them?"

His smile twisted sadly, not complimenting his face at all.

"So you are alright, then? You're…well, you're human, at the very least." He let his fingers graze my cheek. I turned my face and they fell to his side. "I'm going to go now. Glad to see you're back, Bella."

He ran to my window, leaping out and softly falling to the ground. I always expected to hear a splash, as if he were diving in the ocean and swimming far away from me. Usually, he came back. I wasn't so sure this time.

* * *

><p>Morning light fell through my window. For once, I was up way before noon. I glanced at my phone and saw that it was about seven am. My eyes traveled to the ceiling and I let my brain fall quiet.<p>

When I sat up, I felt my hair tickle my cheek. It reminded me of last night, of Jacob grazing me gently.

I rubbed my eyes. Might as well make coffee and do something with myself.

"Charlie? I called as I walked down the stairs. It was a Thursday; normally he was awake by now if not already gone.

No answer came and his boots weren't at the door. I looked out the kitchen window and saw fresh tracks going away from the house. I was on my own.

* * *

><p>It was amazing how well my old truck had held up over the years that I was gone. Bringing a car, much less an old truck to New York had seemed unnecessary, so I left it with Charlie and expected him to sell it.<p>

When I came home not only was the hunk of junk still here but also it ran just as well.

"I fixed it up a bit when I knew you were returning." Charlie had told me.

My heart warmed when I walked out of the house with my coffee and saw it. It wasn't a conscious decision but I had poured my coffee into a thermos and walked out to my car, knowing there was some place I wanted to be more than by myself at home.

The inside of my car was a pleasant mixture of a pine smell and freshly ground up leaves. I took comfort in the shape and feel of the seats, the texture of the wheel in my hands. I took a sip of decaf before I put it in the cup holder and pulled out of the driveway.

Driving to La Push reminded me so much of riding a bike. When I first learned, I had fallen again and again until I had gotten it right. Then, when my mother had decided we were moving, I didn't get to ride for a long time. I thought that I would forget how to ride a bike and that I'd have to gain cuts and scrapes all over again. But when I got on, I just _knew_.

It was the same with driving to the reservation.

The roads weren't as twisted as I remembered them, but the trees…I could never stop appreciating the trees. Being in New York, I had forgotten that a world existed where there were trees and grass, slopes and water trickling down rocks embedded deep in the earth.

Coming back had been like opening the door to Narnia that I had imagined as a child. It was open and freeing. I felt…safe, though I was more alone than ever.

My car growled angrily when I parked it in a semi-deep ditch of mud. It would get back out just fine, but I patted it apologetically after I got out and shut the door.

"I'm sorry." I said and looked up at the house n front of me.

Still the same chipped paint and study wood. Still the same homey kitchen smell coming out into the air.

Still the same…Jacob?

I took a deep breath and walked up to the door. I braced myself for rejection, though I hoped that my effort to reach out would be enough. I knocked three times and stepped back. I waited.

It was Billy who opened the door. He smiled wide when he saw my face.

"Well. If it isn't the vampire girl."

I winced, feeling that spot in my heart I tried to keep hidden throb and ebb pain through my veins.

"Yup, I'm back."

I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, feeling them tangle in my curls.

"Well come in, don't be a stranger." He rolled back and away, his wheelchair squeaking a bit.

"Actually, Billy. I was here to see Jake…is he in?"

Billy turned and faced me again.

"Actually, he's down on the beach. He came back late last night in a funny mood. He's been down there since early this morning."

I nodded my appreciation.

"I'll be back." I said and turned.

I counted my steps again, but stopped after fifteen. I loved the feeling of fall wind on the reservation. It rustled my hair like an affectionate father and smoothed down my skin like a lover. I felt both refreshed and weary.

Jacob wasn't on the initial length of the beach. I looked both ways and decided to try left first. I climbed up the rocks that led into the forest and almost fell backwards.

"Bells?" he caught my arm, pulling me back up. "Clumsy as ever, I see."

I shrugged and smiled, feeling the heat of his hand through my sleeve.

"Your style hasn't changed. Hasn't anyone told you that bare skin is _so_ 2005?"

He smiled a little at that and pushed out his chest.

"I stick with what gets the ladies."

I placed my palm on his chest, startling him a little. I ran my hand down his abs, stopping below his jeans. When I looked up, he was watching me curiously. He took my hand in his and placed it down near my thigh.

"So. Are you here to sunbathe?"

"Nah, I got enough sun in New York." I quipped.

"Then what brings you to my beach?"

"Your beach?" I smiled.

"Alpha." He pointed at himself, reminding me. "My beach."

I nodded. I had heard that after the war between the tribe, the Cullen's and the newborns, Jacob had done so well that he accepted his position as Alpha. I had pressed Billy for more during a break home my freshman year, but he had told me to ask Jacob myself. He clearly didn't know the coldness that Jacob had been practicing with me.

"I guess…" I tried to think. "I was just seeing if you were alright."

I thought of last night, of the look on his face before he turned and jumped out my window.

He laughed, a little meanly.

"I was never the one broken. Couldn't be, could I? Always the one fixing."

"Jake, please. Can we talk?"

"I tried. Remember, Bells?"

"But why can't you just _listen_ then? I didn't marry him, did I? I didn't change, did I?" I clenched my hands into fists and tried not to punch him in the face. "I've done nothing to make you mad and yet you've ignored me for four years."

"Nothing?" he looked surprised. "Bella. You broke my heart."

He stepped back from me, quickly, and in a flash he had phased and was running away from me, down the beach and home.

* * *

><p>I wasn't a teenager anymore and yet I was coping like I was one.<p>

I don't know how long I sat in my room, cross-legged on my bed and staring out the window. I felt the cold settle, saw the leaves fall from the trees and a faint moan began to come from the earth. It was a deep, resigned sigh that seemed to admit defeat in the face of Winter.

I didn't move, except to sleep. In my sleep, my nightmares had managed to return. I tried my best to stifle my screams. I didn't want Charlie to worry about me. I was too old for this. I was so old…so tired.

And yet, he came in anyway. Almost every time.

"Still, Bella?" he asked me. "Again?" his heart sounded broken at these words and I wished I could give him more. A better daughter. One who provided for herself.

I said nothing and it all repeated itself, over and over again.

I managed to come down for dinner at one point, each time Charlie had a whole meal. I wondered when he had learning to cook and then I realized that when I came back he had let me cook for him more for my own sake than his…to make me feel needed.

It was always a warm dinner: soups, pasta, breads. I didn't give much thought to the heat and it often burned my throat.

Soup went down the wrong side and I coughed, reached for my milk but Charlie stopped me.

"Bella, how long is this going to go on? It's been a month and a half."

"What month is it?" I mumbled, a poor conversation starter.

"December. That doesn't answer my question."

"Dad, I don't know." I whispered. And I didn't.

How long does it take to fix a broken heart? I had broken Jake's and he seemed to be just fine. I, on the other hand, was barely a functioning member of society.

"Why did you come back if it's only going to make you miserable?"

"I'm not miserable."

He frowned.

"I can…stay home more? I can have the case files sent to me instead of leaving the house?"

"No." I shook my head. "No, Dad, it's ok. You need a life."

"Bella, you're family. You _are_ my life."

_You are my world now, Bella._

My heart couldn't possibly take in more pain. I had kept the pain at bay for so long, why was it coming back now?

"Thank you." I reached across the table and took his hand. I squeezed it and stood up. "I think…I think I'm going to bed."

* * *

><p>But I didn't go to bed. I stay <em>on<em> my bed, awake, my legs no longer cramping but accepting being folded for hours. I was amazed that I hadn't gotten bedsores.

Snow was falling outside. I had missed all of fall…my favorite season in Forks, all things considering. What had I to show for it?

But it was an emptiness that couldn't compare to the one inside.

This time when the pebbles hit my window, I wasn't scared. I hoped it was Victoria back from the dead.

It was only Jacob.

"Go away." I hissed and tried to shut the window.

He was too quick, his hand catching the blow. He winced but managed to show it back up and hop inside.

"I'm sick of you coming and going whenever you want, Jake."

But I was happy to see him, regardless; a hollow happy, but a happy nonetheless.

I fell back on my bed and resumed staring out the window. He'd get it and leave eventually.

"Bells…I'm sorry. I've broken my promise again, haven't I?"

His promise. I remember a time similar to this, when Jacob had lifted me up from the depths. When he had warmed me from the inside out. He promised he'd never hurt me…he'd never leave me.

Everyone breaks his or her promises, it seems.

I shrugged. I refused to make eye contact.

"Bella, say something."

I looked up. Jacob came over and knelt on the bed, staring straight at me.

"Stop."

He shrugged and grinned.

"I promise Bella…I won't break it again. We can fix this, whatever it is that's wrong."

"I'm not a kid anymore, Jake. You don't need to save me."

"Why are you so fixated on how old you are? It's ridiculous."

"I'm twenty two years old, Jacob."

"So? And I'm twenty-one. We're still young, Bella. We make mistakes, all of us. And we all need fixing sometimes."

I looked up at him. He was smiling so earnestly. I couldn't deny him anything. Though time had passed, he was still my best friend.

"Stay." I didn't ask. I hoped he understood.

"Ok."

He took off his shirt and pulled up the covers. In a swift motion he had curled up behind me and pulled the sheets down on top of us. I felt his breath behind my ear. My head was tucked under his chin.

His arm wrapped around me and pulled me closer. I felt myself get pleasantly warm.

For the first time in awhile…I felt….

"Goodnight, Bells."

Alive.

**A/N: I can't even tell you how much I'd appreciate reviews. It takes five seconds to leave me what you think.**


	2. The Idea Of Forever

**Disclaimer:** This is mine but the characters aren't.

**Authors Note:** _I'm not a fan of "whiny Bella". I actually despise the last two books because Bella comes across as pathetic and helpless. I hope I don't confuse people with how my Bella acts, but this is the way I always hoped she'd turn out in the books. _

"So do you have a job?"

"No."

I picked at my cuticles, pulling off a whole string of skin. Jacob winced and pushed my hands away from my lap.

"Ew. Gross, Bells."

I grinned and waved my bloody finger in his face. And then I froze.

"I'm sorry."

I stuck my finger in my mouth and tried to suck the blood away.

"Its just blood." He shrugged. "But it's still gross, so apology accepted." He ruffled my hair.

"Hey." I scolded. "I'm older than you. No ruffling."

"You don't look like you've aged one bit. So you're still…what was it we last decided on…forty? Which means that I'm at _least_ forty-five by now. I'm older."

"And middle aged."

"Still sexy as hell."

"Jake." I flicked some cuticle skin at him and shook my head.

I stood and stretched. The garage hadn't appeared to age at all as well. It was still just as full of tools and scrap metal; it still smelled like a thousand dead moths.

"Bella."

"So." I changed the subject. "What are you making?"

Jake paused, looked up from the wires he was tying together and looked at me. His brow was creased with concentration and sweat pooled on his neck.

"Uhm." He tapped his wrench on his knee. "I'm actually trying to put together a new engine for the Rabbit."

"Your old car?" I grinned excitedly. He nodded. "I had no idea you even finished! I thought…when you changed, I sort of thought…"

"Yeah, I forgot about it for awhile, but while you were off at-what college did you go to again?"

"Columbia. In New York."

"Right. When you were away in Columbia, I finished it my senior year."

I leaned against the garage door, my knees slightly bent. It was cold outside but Jake had given me his oversized jacket. Fur enveloped me in a mock Jake hug.

"Can I help?"

"Like with the motorcycles?"

I smiled thinly. Some of my best memories from High School were with Jake, working on those babies. I had no idea where they even were anymore.

"Where are they?"

Jake went back to his wires and metal. I watched him for a minute before he responded.

"They're around here somewhere. I couldn't bring myself to give them up."

I nodded and resumed with my cuticles. I bit down too hard and cried out.

"Are you going to keep doing that?"

I looked back at Jake and he had his eyebrows raised in…annoyance? I lifted my hands in defeat.

"Sorry."

"No. It's ok." He put down his tool and stood, brushing dust in every direction off of his pants and arms. "You're clearly bored."

"It's not that." I lied. And in a way it wasn't. I loved spending time with Jake. It had given me a reason to get out of bed. Even Charlie had been shocked this morning when he had come downstairs to an actual breakfast. "I just, uh…need a manicure?"

He laughed, took my arm, pulling me away from the garage door and then lifted it up. The cold was instantaneous. The jacket was warm, but it was thin armor against the war of winter.

"Christmas is coming soon."

"Is it?" I had lost track of time lately. Until last night, when Jacob had come back into my life.

"Yes. I was thinking we could go get a tree." He turned to face me, seeking my approval. That was fine by me.

"Sure."

** ooo**

I had on heavy boots, a coat, Jacob's coat, mittens and thermals under my pants. Jake had almost gone out of his mind with laughter when he saw me, but I didn't care. I had learned this much from New York-cold _could_ be warded against.

"I hate you." I grumbled and climbed into my truck. Jake practically flew in on the other side and slammed the door. "Hey! Be careful, it's an antique you know."

He snorted and scratched his ear.

"Alright, you're going to take this road."

And then we were driving, farther into the reservation and closer to the woods. It wasn't a far drive but all the same, I marveled at how nice it was to not be driving alone.

"Stop!" Jacob said suddenly and I slammed on the breaks.

"What? Did I hit something?"

I flew out of the truck and went down on the ground, looking near my wheels in a frantic haze.

How could I be so careless?

I war checking the back of the truck when something ice cold hit my neck and slipped down my shirt. I shivered and yelped in pain. Before I had time to comprehend what hit me, the same rock hard material attacked my cheek. Little bits of the rock fell onto my lips. It tasted like…snow.

Angrily, I whipped around and a snowball slammed my face.

"Jacob!" I screeched and began to dig at the ground with my fingers, pulling together a ball as fast as I could.

Jacob was fast, but I was clumsy. Clumsiness had its advantages in the snow. Normal people who weren't used to tripping and stumbling everywhere would have to take moments to gather themselves before moving on. I, however, was well acquainted with the ground. I fell and threw my snowball as I hit my knees. It hit him squarely in the jaw.

"Oh, no!" he yelled in dramatic whimpers. "I'm wounded!"

"Jacob?" I took the bait and crawled over to where he was lying. I smoothed my glove over his face, which had a bruise already forming.

His hands grabbed on tight to my wrists and he flipped me on my back. I kicked my legs at his chest but he was kneeling on either side of my hips in no time.

"Gotcha." He breathed and bent his face close to mine.

My heartbeat fast, my skin gathered blood up into my face. I couldn't breathe. He wasn't _really_ going to kiss me, was he?

His lips landed on my forehead and rested there for a second before he stood and pulled me up with him.

"So…the trees we're going to want to look at are more this way."

He pointed up to the top of what looked like a very long and difficult hill. I could already tell he'd enjoy this more than I would. At least _I_ had worn the correct shoes.

As we climbed up, I seemed to fall more and more frequently. Each time Jacob merely held out his hand and helped me up. I had expected him to poke fun, but he seemed to have stuff on his mind.

There is something about fresh air-especially clean winter air up in the mountains. It almost stings to breathe in but I find myself taking off Jacob's coat and handing it to him. He actually looks a little chilly for once.

"Thanks." He says and puts it on.

The air wraps itself around me much easier now and it sobers me up, though I've had nothing to drink. It is peaceful up here and my thoughts are much less frequent. When we reach the top, Jacob is standing near the edge of the cliff, looking out. And it's an amazing view; I'll be the first to admit it. Maybe Forks isn't much to a stranger down below, but if you ever needed convincing to live here permanently, all you'd have to do is climb this mountain and look out.

I can see the reservation, but it's more than that. There is Forks, small but precious…I can even see my house, blurry in the distance.

"My spot." He admitted and then turned. "Ready?"

"I…yeah, of course. How do I…?"

"We'll spread out. Look for a tree that seems to be fully grown. Check the pine needles to see if they're healthy and not a sick yellow green color. Or brown. If it's brown, it's dying. And I guess...look for one that is a nice height and full all the way around."

"Oh, is that all?" I scowled.

"You'll be fine." He smiled and turns his back. "I'll go this way."

And so again I'm alone, but this time with a purpose. I search around me, looking to the skies for the tip of a tree that was perfect for the Black household.

I saw one a few feet away and sludged through the ankle deep snow to get to it. I'm examining the pine needles when I hear Jacob stomping towards me.

"Nice one, Bella."

"You think?" I look at it and start to walk around, inspecting for bad needles. I bump into Jacob, who is going the opposite direction. "Oh, sorry."

He grins and pulls an ax out of his backpack.

"And now the fun begins."

I shake my head venomously. An ax would be such a bad idea for someone uncoordinated.

"No way, Jake. Bad move."

"Come on Bella. It's just an ax. I mean…it's not like you could kill yourself with it." He winked and handed the heavy object to me.

With wary hands I tried to lift it. I fell backwards from the sheer weight of it.

"Whoa." He laughed and helped me up again. "Eager, are we?"

I blushed and looked down.

"Alright." He got on his knees. "I'm going to spread the pines away and I want you to swing at it in short, sharp motions. Right here." He points about midway down the trunk.

"Ok…"

I get down on my knees and try my best to swing at the trunk. I completely miss and almost get Jacob's arm instead.

"Whoa!" He jumps up and steps back. Running his hands through his hair he shakes his head. "Ok. Never mind, give me that."

I hand it over to him with a sheepish grin. I warned him at least.

**ooo**

The tree is on top of my car, bundled with ropes and sending needles down the window from the wind as we drive. Jacob is falling asleep against my window, his face surprisingly childish with his eyes and mouth closed.

I feel tenderness towards him and turn the heat on near his face. Jacob has given me warmth so many times that I often wish I could return it.

"Too hot, turn it down you daft monkey." He mumbles. I wonder if he's even actually conscious.

I grin and turn it down a little, but keep it on enough to keep myself warm.

We're decorating the tree later that night when the questions come. I knew they'd arrive eventually, but I had hoped I would get more time to prepare.

"Bells, can I ask you something?"

"Mmm." I respond.

I'm trying to place a bright blue ball on a part of the tree that's slightly out of my reach. Jacob takes it from me and slides it over the tip.

"Why didn't you marry him?"

I look over at him but he's occupied with some of the higher branches. I grab an angel from the box of ornaments and play with it in my hands. How many times had people asked me this, in the first year after at least? It never got easier to answer.

"Honestly?" I bite my lip. "I think I was in love with the idea of forever more than I meant it."

Jacob looked over at me then and tossed a silver ball in my direction. I managed to catch it.

"Too many of those over here, put that down on the bottom." He suggests. Then, "What do you mean?"

"I wanted…" I swallow and put the angel around the back of the tree. It's hidden but I like that. "I wanted loving someone to be as easy as breathing."

I saw his nose twitch from my profile. Maybe he caught the reference and maybe he didn't. The thing is, I didn't leave Edward at the alter because I loved Jacob. I didn't even really leave Edward at the alter. After the war, I handed him back his ring and told him I wasn't ready. I thought with the pressure of the marriage gone we'd resume the easy love that we used to have. But I grew older and became more self-conscious of it, and Edward was pressured to change me by the Voltori-something he didn't want to do until we were married. It was a lose-lose situation and in the end I decided to end things when the summer was over. It killed me…it broke me in half. But I hoped he'd find someone better…even if I could never move on from him. I went to college and he just _went_.

"You seemed pretty sure of changing."

"I was sure. And then I wasn't."

He looked down at me for a minute and then turned away again. If he had interior motives for asking me these questions, he wasn't letting on.

"Did you date anyone in college?"

"No." I hung a candy cane from an almost empty box on a branch and then stood back.

The tree looked amazing. All it needed was the star, which Jacob held in his hands.

"Why not?" he walked closer to me.

"I guess…" I stepped back a little. He made me nervous and I wasn't sure if it was in a good way. "I just…" He handed me the star. It was hard and glitter leaked onto my hands. I sparkled and I thought of the diamonds that came onto Edward in the sun. My throat hurt but I wouldn't cry. "I wasn't over him."

He breathed in.

"Are you now?"

"I don't know."

He went behind me and picked me up. I gasped but he just laughed.

"Relax. I'm helping you reach the top."

My shoulders slumped a bit as I reached the top of the tree. I placed the star right on top, shoving it down and securing it tight. I waited for him to put me down but he held on a bit.

"Jake? I hate heights." I lied and he placed me on the floor.

We stepped back and admired our work. It really was a marvelous thing to admire.

"Christmas is in two weeks." He stated.

"I'll take your word for it."

**ooo**

Our days pass sort of like that for a while. I wake up and drive down to the reservation, barely thinking of what we even might do. It's always different but it always holds this same familiarity. A bitter nostalgia of a time where we were allowed to be this close to each other without implications.

He's gentle with me; always patient, and kind. It makes me wonder why I didn't try harder to keep his friendship; if trying was even the problem at hand.

But Jacob is a perfect example of picking up exactly where you left off. We fall into each other and it's so easy…so comforting.

Before I know it, it's Christmas. Charlie and I decide to join the Blacks for their Christmas and the whole pack is there as well. Emily and I are in the kitchen most of the day, cooking together. I hardly even notice her face these days, but maybe that's because I've seen worse in New York. Way worse.

"So." She says while pulling the turkey out of the oven. My mouth waters unintentionally. We did a _damn_ good job. "You're a wolf girl again."

"What? Oh, well, I wasn't aware that I was one or the other."

"I mean no offense." She apologized sincerely. "I only meant that you were gone for awhile."

"I know I upset Jake. It was unintentional."

"The best part about mistakes is that you can always try and fix them." She touched her face softly and smiled at me.

I smiled back, careful to look in her eyes and not at her scratched.

"Should I call them for dinner?"

"Better step back if you do."

**ooo**

"I have a present for you."

"Jake!" I protested. "We agreed no presents."

"I figure you'll make this an exception when you see it."

He handed me a small box that had a tiny ribbon on it. Clearly someone else had wrapped it for him. Emily, perhaps? I smiled and took it from him. Gifts were never really my thing.

Inside was a thread necklace, carrying a tiny wooden-carved symbol. I recognized it immediately as the sign of his tribe.

"Did you make this?"

He smiled as a response. I pulled him into a hug and felt his breath on the top of my head. It was warm, just like him.

"Let me put it on?"

I turned and crossed my legs. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and felt him slip it over my head. Yanking my ponytail out from under it, I turned and grinned.

"Does it suit me?"

"Welcome to the family."

And it calmed me, this statement. I didn't know why Jacob wasn't pressing me for more details, or why I hadn't pressed him for any, but details and stories were like wine. They aged with time, their sweet flavors bursting apart in your mouth.

**A/N:** **I hate being the pushy type and reviews aren't _everything_ but it's my only reward for writing this. Please take five seconds and leave me anything you'd like.**

**ALSO. Someone questioned my story line and I want to apologize if things seem skittered. I have't read the books in a good two years or so. I don't know everything /:**


	3. Are We Back To This?

**Disclaimer: **The original characters and the back-story that made this fan fiction possible are not mine.

**Authors Note**: **I hate pushing for reviews as if they all that matter, but it's the only reward I get for writing this stuff. Take five seconds to give me encouragement/thoughts/etc. Thank you so much to everyone who has already taken the time to read/review. Enjoy!**

"I have a question for you."

We were eating breakfast. I was eating an apple and a glass of milk, Jacob an entire package of bacon with eggs and was on his third glass of milk.

"Sure." He mumbled, barely looking up.

"Do you think we could go cliff-diving?"

His fork clattered to the table as he dropped it in surprise. I looked at him and I had never seen him so conflicted.

"Bella…"

"What?" I protested, taking another bite of my apple. "It wasn't _that_ bad…"

I chewed in silence as he glared at me. No doubt he was remembering my reckless dive from a cliff half a decade ago, the same day that Henry Clearwater died and the same night I went to Italy to rescue Edward, leaving Jacob behind and ruining our friendship.

"Ok." I grumbled. "Fine."

This time his silver wear clattered in protest, not accident. I could barely look at him, he was glaring so hard.

"Bells, don't do this to me. I'm not into the whole "throw caution to the wind" thing anymore."

"You practically invented it!" I jabbed, scowling.

"No." he scolded. "No, I only did it for you. I did whatever you needed because I could see that I'd lose you if I didn't. This time it's the other way around. No games, Bella." His gaze softened. "Ok?"

"Ok." It didn't seem like a fair trade, but I could see where he was coming from, at least.

I wouldn't be able to jump without him. I was a good swimmer, but not a strong one. I needed him and he knew it.

**ooo**

I woke up to the sound of scraping outside my window. Light poured in on my face and I groaned. It was so early. How could anyone function this early? I checked the clock near my bed and it was only seven in the morning. I normally didn't head over to Jacob's until a little before lunch.

Sleepily, I got out of bed and wrapped a sweater around myself. The house was very human in that it never warmed up until its occupants were moving and awake.

I treaded downstairs and cautiously opened the door. I should have known better.

"Hey Bells!"

Jacob was furiously scraping at the snow, which had fallen down overnight with a shovel. He had cleared a decent amount of walkway and driveway, but for what I didn't know.

"Jake, what the hell are you doing?"

He stopped, wiping his brow.

"Well, you can't come to my New Year's celebration if you can't even leave!"

"A party?" I hesitated. Dancing was always involved in the pack's get -togethers. "No."

"Come on." He groaned. "I woke up so early to clear this out for you. You don't even need to wear a dress!"

I started to the shut the door but he was too quick, wedging the shovel between the crack.

"Jake…I'm cold."

He pushed the door open and came in, leaving the shovel outside. Shutting the door, he faced me and smiled earnestly.

"You know you want to go." He stated.

"I really don't, actually."

I tried to walk away but Jacob pulled me into a big wolf hug. I tried to breathe against his chest but I was powerless.

"There will be cake and punch and snow and lights." He squeezed harder, my lungs about to explode. "And Quil and Embry will be there. Sam and Paul and-oh!" he was squeezing so hard that I was going to pass out. "Claire will be there. You know, the girl that Quil imprinted on? She's ten now, it's incredible."

I tried to push against his chest, my mouth gaping for air.

"Jake, I'll go, I'll go!"

He released me and I fell down, wheezing heavily and glowering up at him.

"Ok, ok. You're invited."

"Asshole."

He helped me up. The warmth of his hands, his body, his smile never faded nor ceased to amaze me.

**ooo**

I was never one for dressing up. It's not that I didn't care for my appearance; I just didn't see the point of it. But tonight was a night where I knew I _should_ care. And why wouldn't I want to start the year looking amazing?

Which is why I was leaning over the sink, struggling to apply eyeliner without hurting myself. I managed to get one eye but kept slipping and smudging the lower lid of my left. Frustrated, I slumped down the door.

"Beauty pains?" Charlie asked.

I looked over and made a face. The best thing about Charlie was that he didn't linger, but that didn't mean he never asked questions.

"Why do I even try? It doesn't matter."

"Well I think you look beautiful. Half of you, anyway." He smiled and went into the room to get ready himself.

I stood and looked in the mirror. It wasn't so bad, really. I took a deep breath and tried again. This time both eyes looked about even and I reviewed my face to see how I looked.

My skin was still as pale as ever, almost translucent. I had applied blush lightly, as well as some light purple eye shadow, some eye-liner and a tiny bit of mascara. I wore a dark maroon dress that came to about my knees. I had tied my curls back with a black bow, but a couple escaped in front of my face.

I was pleased enough with how I looked that I turned off the light and started walking downstairs.

"Come on, old man! Three hours to midnight."

I grabbed my keys and opened the door. My truck had new tires, complete with snow chains. For a moment I thought I might cry, but I choked back a sob and made a note to thank Charlie when it didn't seem like it was required.

We got into the car and made it down to La Push with two hours to midnight. Charlie was distraught over the decision of a black shirt or a red shirt, and when he decided on the black shirt (the red was too Christmas-y) he labored over the choice of a gray striped tie and a white striped tie. Finally, I put a plain purple tie around his neck and practically dragged him out into the car.

I suspected his newfound effort towards his appearance was a direct result of a woman named Jaclyn, who would be at the party as well. _Good for him_, I mused. _It's about time, isn't it?_

Then again, what would I know about the time constraints to moving on? Just last night I had woken from a nightmare, again, staring a man I hadn't seen in _years_. He probably wasn't even thinking about me at this point. Forever was a long time to expect someone to grieve over you, especially in vampire definitions.

"Oh hell no! Bella, is that you?" I stepped out of the car and was bombarded by a lanky young adult; same cropped hair as Jacob and a smile full of slightly crooked teeth.

"Embry?" I smiled wide, genuinely happy to see him.

"Bella!" he repeated and lifted me off the ground. He spun me around in circles until we both wobbled a bit. I tripped slightly, but caught myself. Thank God I hadn't worn heels. "Well now I _know_ it's you." He smirked.

"Hey, you." I couldn't stop smiling. "Man, I've missed you. Why weren't you at the Christmas celebration last week?"

"I was with my girlfriend." He smiled naughtily and I blushed, thankful I couldn't hear his thoughts.

"Ah. Well."

"Word is you're back to your old tricks, breaking hearts, left and right."

"No breaking hearts here, Em."

"Right. I forgot that monsters like Jake don't have hearts." He winked and looked at me up and down. "Although I can't blame him for going back to you Bella. You look…you're even more beautiful now than before. Seriously."

I blushed again at his appraise. I hated how hot my face could get at any old thing.

"Thanks."

"Alright, Embry, bring Bella inside why don't you?" Charlie said distractedly, looking at a car pulling into the driveway. A beautiful woman with short black hair and big green eyes was looking back, smiling and waving with her hand that wasn't on the wheel.

I rolled my eyes at Embry who held out his arm for me.

"Shall we?"

"We shall."

I slide my arm around his and we walked in together. The Black house was, as usual, very warm and inviting. Billy and Jake were standing with his two sisters, one of which was holding a baby. She saw me and gently nudged her brother, who was already turning in my direction.

If I had blushed at Embry's compliment, I was dying at the look Jacob was giving me. In all honestly, I should probably stop him, remind him playfully that we were just friends, but Jacob was an adult. He didn't need me discouraging him every two seconds.

"You look…" he looked down and away from me.

"Thanks."

"Beautiful. I even told you that you didn't have to wear a dress."

"Well, new year and all. Thought I'd make an effort."

Unintentionally we had matched. He was wearing a deep red shirt, button down with the top two undone. His black pants covered two long legs and his shoes were shiny and new.

"What are you looking at?"

"I just…" I pointed down at his feet and then looked up smiling, shaking my head. "I never get over you wearing _shoes_. Remember that time when we were fishing as kids?"

"Yeah." He grinned. "You always thought it was boring, but I was a natural. And then _to get back at me_, you hooked my foot instead of bait."

"It was an accident, Jake." But I was laughing, remembering. I sometimes forgot that this part of us existed-the part of us that knew each other since before High School…before the Cullen's.

"Come see Claire." He said and it was almost a question. I had never really approved of the whole imprinting thing.

"Is it really that impressive?"

"It's really that _weird_." He shook his head. "Seriously, she looks like a young lady."

Jacob led me over to the corner where Quil was laughing and talking with Paul about something. Paul shoved Quil a little too hard and he fell off the stool he was sitting on. Paul roared with laughter.

Claire was drinking a glass of what looked like coke. Ice floated at the top and perspiration dripped down the side. She looked exactly like a ten year old should. She was wearing a black velvet dress and her dishwater blonde hair partially hung in her face. She looked shy but secure in her place…the way I always hoped that I looked around Edward and his family. I swallowed hard and erased my thoughts.

"Hey Claire." I said, hopefully audibly enough in the crowd. Jacob walked over to Quil and started jokingly tapping his chest with his feet. "Remember me?"

"Bella?" she smiled, her teeth straight enough that she shouldn't need braces.

"That's me."

"You're so old!" she exclaimed and I winced.

"Yes, well…"

I fidgeted with my hands, having no more cuticles to pull. Claire looked uneasy herself, sipping coke every couple seconds and casting desperate glances around the room. Then she turned that frantic gaze on me.

"Bella? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, Claire." I said gently. I wondered what had set her off. I tried to think of what bothered me at her age. Shoes? Homework?

"Is it true? About you…and Jake?"

"Is what true, Claire?"

"That Jacob imprinted on you but you don't return the feelings for him?"

I felt my heart do that skipping thing it did when I thought something bad was about to happen. Jacob never told me that he had imprinted. Especially not on me.

"No, Claire." I smiled a little. "Jacob and I are just friends."

"Well that's the thing, isn't it? Quil and I are just friends too! But I overheard my Mom talking to Quil about imprinting and I didn't understand what it meant. When she told me it made me sad."

"Why are you sad?" I bent down a little, trying to catch her eyes. Imprinting was such a beautiful thing, aside from the vast age difference.

"I don't love Quil. But he's my best friend. I don't want to hurt him." She frowned a little and looked down into her empty glass.

At that moment, Quil came over and took her glass from her.

"More coke Claire?' he breathed, smiling hugely. He looked so loving, but not in a creepy perverted way.

"Sure, Quil." She smiled back and I saw that the affection was mutual. It would only take time before she felt love for him in return. I was happy for them both.

"You'll be fine, Claire." I reassured her. "I promise."

Jacob came up from behind me and put his hand on my lower back.

"Follow me." He whispered in my ear. Shivers crept down my spine.

I waved goodbye to Claire and hoped I'd see her again. It really _was_ weird, seeing her all grown up like this. Growing older was strange enough for myself and watching someone else do it was even more severe. Jacob led me out back to the garage. Inside, he shut the door and gestured to the only seat in the room. I wondered why we were out here.

"Don't want you to get your dress dirty." He murmured, giving me that look again.

I didn't sit, instead choosing to glance around me. Recently, Jacob and I had spent a day together in here and he had finished putting together the engine for his car. I hadn't understood what the excitement was about, but I applauded him for his effort. I wondered where his car was now.

"Where is the car, Jake?"

"The Rabbit?"

"No, The Wolf."

He took my hand in his and started to lead me out of the garage again. Once outside I pulled away. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, trying not to look at him.

"Can we not hold hands? Are we back to this?"

"No. I mean, yes, we can hold hands. I just…think that maybe you mean different things by it than I do."

His face was full of disbelief. My chest ached, that long held spot where the giant gaping hole was still throbbing couldn't take much more.

"It will always be him." He responded and I hated him for saying things that I could not deny.

"I can't have him anymore, Jake. Really, that's not it. It's just…I wouldn't want someone as great as you getting something as damaged as I am. It's not a fair trade."

He moved close to me, took my hand again and blew warm air on it. I hadn't realized until then how cold my hands were, my skin slightly blue.

"Life's not always fair." He responded. "But I'll wait for you. I won't give up."

"But why, Jake? I mean, I don't want you to leave but I can't bear to see you disappointed all over again."

"It's not disappointment, Bella. It's a challenge."

"Oh, so, I'm a game?" a bit of anger flamed into my cheeks and heart. I stepped back but he pulled me back in.

"You are so much more than that." He whispered. "I only wish you could see it."

I wrapped my arms around him, a heavy compromise forming between us. I would not leave him this time, but I could not be what he wanted from me, either. It was sadness more than a compromise, at least for me. But I _did_ love Jacob, in my own way. He just loved me differently.

Would it always be this way?

**ooo**

The smell of pancakes wafted into the air. I was confused for a moment, wondering if Charlie did indeed know how to cook and had made me breakfast. Then I remembered I hadn't gone home last night.

I tried to sit up but my head throbbed and sloshed around in my skull.

"Oooh." I groaned. "Fuck."

"Yes. We did."

I nearly screamed until I saw it was just Jacob, holding out a plate of fresh waffles.

"What?" I screeched and looked down immediately.

I was completely clothed and upon inspecting Jacob, who wore cloth pants and no shirt, he hadn't been naked recently either. But had we? Had I been so drunk that I couldn't remember?

"Calm down and eat. We didn't even kiss. I slept in my room and you slept on the couch."

The waffles _did_ smell amazing and I quickly gave in. He sat next to me while I ate, filling me in on what I had forgotten.

"Your Dad didn't mind leaving you here, but then, you're old enough to get on by yourself anyway." He shrugged and grabbed a bite of my food.

"Hey!" I protested and swatted his hand.

"Emily didn't make any for me." He pouted and I grudgingly let him have some more. The syrup oozed between my fingers and I licked my fork clean. I had never felt so bad and good at the same time.

"Was I really too drunk to drive home?"

"No." he lied and looked away, picking up the plate and starting to walk into the kitchen. I tried to follow but my head was screaming at me.

I sat back down and wrapped the blanket I was in around me until I couldn't see anything. I felt Jacob back a couple minutes later and he pulled me into his lap.

"Poor Bella." He murmured. I growled. "Oh, don't be that way."

"Let me go." I said but it came out sounding like, _Fuckyou_.

Jacob laughed and set me down on the couch. I lay, my eyes shut tightly and prayed that it would stop hurting soon.

"I'll wake you up in a couple hours, ok?"

I may have responded but I faded into darkness too quickly to tell.

**ooo**

I felt myself being lifted up in the air before I was fully conscious. My mind felt heavy, too much for my body to handle. When I opened my eyes a little more, Jacob's face loomed near.

"Jake?"

"Shh." He smiled down at me. "You slept through the entire day. I'm moving you to my room."

"I slept all day?" I whisper-yelled.

"You're ok, Bells. Just really hung-over. You might have a bug as well though, you're kind of warm for once."

I put my hand to my forehead and felt nothing. Maybe I was too warm to feel anything?

"I'm still so tired…"

"I know." We were in his room and he laid me down on his bed. Then he stood back and shifted around. "So, I'll see you in the morning."

"Jake, wait." I looked down and then shrugged. It couldn't hurt to have him here. "You can stay here, if you want."

His bed was long but not as wide as mine. Both of our minds flicked over to our conversation a couple days ago and for a second I wished that I had just said nothing and let him leave. But it _was_ his room. And friends could sleep together, right?

"I'll just…sleep on the floor then?"

"Yeah, of course." I sighed, my exhaustion bubbling over.

Since Jake mentioned it, I _did_ feel a bit sick and what I had thought was simply a hangover was now a dull ache in the back of my head. It felt just like all the headaches I got before a really bad cold but I hoped that wasn't the case this time.

I helped Jake set up a sleeping place on the floor, giving up one of the pillows on the bed and some blankets from the cabinet in the hall. When he was all situated, I let myself burrow under the covers and felt the heat of my breath surround me.

My hand slipped over the edge of the bed, palm up. My chest was heavy and I was in the place between sleep and awake. And then I felt a hot hand, a pinky, crook around my own, and I knew it was Jakes. Something inside of me hoped beyond hope that our connection of fingers and the peace that he gave me when awake, would combine together to continue into the night and there would be no bad dreams this time.


	4. Sunbursts

It had never snowed this much before, at least not that I was aware of. January streamed on in piles of the stuff, covering everything I had grown to love about Forks and making me more susceptible to falling, tripping or otherwise harming myself.

I spent every day with Jacob. He stemmed the flow, burning a spot in my heart that I had thought would never feel again. I saw him as the brother I never had…my best friend. My only friend.

Today was our last day together before he went on his monthly trip up to Maryland, where a branch of the tribe was located. After the war, Jacob decided as Alpha that he wanted to reach out and see if there were others…just in case something came up again. Though they were not related, both his and their tribe existed for hundreds of years, and there was a peace in that. A silent treaty and mutual respect.

I ran a brush through my hair and then tied a bow tightly, pulling up my bangs. I was almost presentable, but it was a stretch. I resented girls like Leah who were exotic and gorgeous in a smokey way. I looked like a wilting flower most of the time; a drooping and stiff lavender.

A knock on the bathroom door startled me, but it was only Jacob. I wondered how he got past Charlie's "No boys upstairs rule." But Jacob wasn't a boy, not by anyone's standard…and technically, though I was small and frail, I wasn't a girl anymore either.

"Jacob, you really shouldn't test Charlie." I warned, and glanced at our reflections. Hi russet colored skin was almost too beautiful to take in and I looked away sadly.

Jacob just grinned and patted me a little too hard on the back. The thump echoed in the bathroom, my gasps sounding like a cough.

"If you wouldn't take so long." He whispered in my ear, my cheeks burning at the smell of his sweet breath.

"Jake…" My hands clenched tightly onto the sink counter-top. I could feel the blood thin and they turned white with the strain.

I had no idea what was happening to me lately. The closer than Jacob got to leaving for a week, the more anxious I became. I was on edge a hundred percent of the time, my heart quickening around him and almost stopping when he was close to me. It was silly, and if I didn't have my sense about me I'd think I had a crush…

But Jacob had been good about keeping his hands to himself since the party two weeks ago. After years of being foreword about his affections, it was almost discerning to not feel it anymore. But that was selfish, and Jacob was happier, I could see that.

"Bella…" He whispered again. His breath tickled into my hair and goose bumps popped up down my arms.

I dropped my brush and it clattered to the ground, making us both jump. I picked it up and placed it in the corner carefully. I turned to face him. He was much closer than I had thought he was.

"I think we should go." I tried to look at him as directly as I could. His gaze was intense and my heart started to do that annoying pattering thing.

Soon he'd be gone and the nightmares would return for a week. I wouldn't have his warm skin or his warm marble eyes, his big hands or his easy laugh. Pathetic as it was, he was everything to me. He was the only friend I had here.

"Yeah, ok."

We lingered awkwardly, the tension between us unspeakable. For me it was because I was almost highly uncomfortable, but for Jacob I imagined it was for a different reason entirely.

We scattered downstairs, preparing excuses for Charlie about why we were upstairs together. But Charlie wasn't home, his car gone from the driveway. But whatever tracks his car had made were gone, snow completely covering them.

"God damnit." Jacob shoved at the door and ran outside.

I looked to see what he was so angry about and noticed that his car, which had only been parked for ten minutes tops, was flooded with snow and ice. Even if he managed to dig it out, the insides would be cold and slow.

My truck wasn't any better. Though new snow chains had been put on this year, it had been in the driveway all night. You could hardly even make out where it was parked; the snow was so high that it looked like another pile of snow to jump in.

The snow was up to Jacob's knee, which he didn't seem to notice. I shivered and started to close the door.

"Jake, just come inside."

He growled a little and stomped inside grudgingly, the snow flying around his angry strides.

"We're actually stuck here?"

I grinned softly, my heart slowing to a comfortable pace. I had him all to myself today. I could absorb him maybe enough to carry through the next week.

"Sorry." I apologized, not actually very apologetic.

"Aw." He shrugged. "It's not a big deal."

For the first time that I had ever noticed, there was a silence between us that wasn't pleasant. Neither one of us could look at each other, but there was no one else to look at.

"Do you…" I motioned to the kitchen helplessly. "Uhm, I could make hot chocolate?" I was actually pretty cold, but knowing Jacob, he wasn't in the slightest.

"Yeah." He followed me.

Although it was Charlie's house, I had always thought of this little corner as _my_ kitchen. Charlie rarely used it in my absence, ordering pizza and grilling fish. His palate was much more limited than mine. But throughout my life I had taken a special joy in cooking, using it as therapy and as a thanks for the people who raised me and supported me. Cooking was something I could give to the ones I loved.

When I had to look for an apartment in New York my senior year, my preferences went no further than a nice and separate kitchen. I had this place in the upper west side that was really sketchy for a college student. There were six locks on the door and the windows had bars on them. The size of it was small, but I didn't have a lot, and the kitchen…oh, the kitchen. It had an area to put my pans and a refrigerator that hummed in my quiet. I loved it upon first glance, putting down a deposit immediately.

But it didn't compare to this one. Nothing ever would, I imagined.

This was the first kitchen that I ever really loved; the first kitchen that inspired me to come up with new meals every night, not just for nourishment, but entertainment. Honestly, sometimes I wondered why I didn't just go to school for culinary arts.

I heard Jacob hit one of the chairs and his head hit the table. When I turned around, he was already snoring softly. I wondered why he was so tired all of a sudden, but dismissed it as stress for the upcoming week.

Unless…Jacob was always more stressed when he was phasing frequently. Since we had started conversing again, he hadn't phased at all that I knew of. No imminent dangers, namely vampires, were around and the tribe was growing relaxed. Jacob had stared to discuss the possibility of aging.

But now he was asleep in my kitchen, the snow was falling in a torrential downpour outside, and I had hot chocolate to make. I opened the cupboard above the stove and pulled out two mugs, ripping open packets and dumping the contents inside. A cloud of chocolate perfumed in my face, the smell making me a little more at ease. Swiss Miss was the brand of hot chocolate that I took with me from my childhood. I preferred it to actual cocoa.

I let the water in Charlie's old kettle sit on the now lit stove and sat in front of Jacob. His face was pressed onto his arm, his features a little squashed. I watched him, my gaze fastening itself to his broad shoulders, rising up and falling down.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up to the shrill scream of the kettle and Jacob shaking me gently.

"You fell asleep with the stove on?" he shook his head in joking disbelief.

I grinned sheepishly and stood to get the kettle. My fingers were on the handle for only a moment before I yelped and pulled back.

"Ouch!"

Jacob had my hand in his immediately, blowing cool air on the small blister.

"I'll get it." He murmured and kissed my palm before closing it.

My heart was racing again. I yanked my hand away and sat at the table, clutching my chest and trying to take deep breaths.

"Thanks." I smiled as he handed me a filled cup. The ceramic protected me from the contents inside, but it was still warm enough that I winced a bit. I set it down after taking a sip and then looked at Jacob.

"How are you going to be ok without me?" he joked. "You are a magnet for disasters."

I winced. He wasn't the first to tell me this.

"I certainly try."

He laughed and it was almost too loud for the suddenly cramped kitchen. I grinned at him before picking up my mug again and concentrating heavily on it. I could hear him sipping before clunking the empty cup on the counter. I was only half finished but I put mine down as well and turned to him. He was staring again, making me squirm in my seat.

"Can we talk about this?"

I grimaced and started to pick at my nails with my teeth. He reached across the table and pulled my hand away. I felt the heat of his skin and it flushed throughout my whole body. I melted into the table, looking at him willingly.

"Talk about what?"

"About me leaving, Bella." He released my hand and scratched his cheek. There was stubble on his chin and neck, marking him more of a man than I gave him credit for.

"What about it?"

"Are you going to be ok?"

I blushed, feeling the heat in my face now. Did I look so weak? Did it really seem like I'd fall apart without him? Of course, I already knew the answer to that, I just hoped that he hadn't.

"Of course." I assured him as truthfully as I could.

I stood up and moved around the table to get his cup. Cleaning up would keep me occupied. My hand reached out for the blue and white speckled cup before Jacob stopped me, pulling me into his lap, his one hand securing itself around my waist and the other tangling in my hair.

"You sure about that?"

His eyes were focused on mine and there was that heartbeat again. But this time, I had to force myself to acknowledge that this had nothing to do with him leaving. This had to do with feeling his hand on my hip and wanting it to go further up, into my shirt, on my skin and underneath my bra.

"No. I mean, yes. I mean, you'll have-"

His lips were pressed onto mine, soft and as warm as the rest of his skin. A bubbling started in my chest and moved into my throat before escaping. I laughed against his lips, which he parted and came back together on my lower lip, his teeth biting gently and tugging out.

Then I moaned a bit, not able to control myself.

"Oh." I whimpered as his lips moved to my neck, kissing softly down my throat. I should stop him.

I needed to remind him that we couldn't do this. We were _friends_, for God's sake. But it was cold outside, and in the kitchen he was warm and we were alone, yet together. He was a sun, my sun, erupting and setting into my skin and hair and fingers. Little starbursts filed under my nails, creating sunspots in my eyes and almost completely paralyzed me.

Was this what it felt like to live? Is this what I had been missing out on for all these years? Or was it just Jacob, my Jacob?

He stopped, resting his face on my chest. I could feel the steam curling into the fabric of my shirt, settling in like an extra layer of warmth.

"Are you ok?" I murmured.

I felt his hand squeeze tighter on my hip, pulling me closer. There was no escaping what I had done by letting my guard down. I just felt no remorse for it yet.

"Bella." He whispered hotly. "Why did you let me do that?"

He sounded like he was in agony. I shifted my leg a little and discovered why. He was hard, the length of him rising up into the side of my thigh. He groaned at my shifting, and I almost fell off in shock.

"I'm sorry." I tried to get off him. I felt so horrible for tricking him. I had usually been so careful at drawing lines and making spaces.

I fell off a bit and his response was to pick me up and slam me against the wall. I could feel him on my stomach, harder than before, and I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I should shove him off or say no, but all could think was _he's so big_.

Lust came over me and I went at his face a little too forcefully. At first our teeth knocked together, but then we were moving almost gracefully. I felt his tongue wrapping itself around mine before going out and his lips shutting and pressing against mine.

His hand that wasn't holding me up moved to my breast, cupping it and squeezing gently. I parted from his lips and hissed in pleasure as he moved under my shirt, squeezing again and flicking my nipple.

I had never been able to be so free in my lust. If I wanted to fuck Jacob, right now in this kitchen, I could. If I wanted to rip his shirt off and taste the russet colored muscles underneath, I could. He wouldn't stop me or beg me to be careful with him.

And yet I stopped him anyway.

"Jake, please." I begged, moving his hand out from under my shirt.

The look on his face was crestfallen, but he eased me down onto my feet. I felt unstable, my legs shaking.

"I don't…" he looked at me with those eyes of his. "Was I too rough?"

I laughed a little at the irony of it all, but he looked hurt as if I were laughing at him.

"Jake, no. You were…" I blushed and looked down.

He smiled eagerly, taking the red in my cheeks as a cue. I pushed against his chest and he bent down and kissed me again, softly this time but deepening. I lost myself for a moment before realizing what was happening and pulling away.

"I'm a virgin." I blurted out.

Jacob yanked back and stumbled a little. We looked at each other and it was quiet.

"I just…I know it's stupid but I don't want my first time to be on the kitchen wall with my best friend." I bit my lip and sucked nervously. They were still sore from earlier.

"You're a _virgin_?" He repeated, dumbfounded.

"Er…yes."

"But, you were so _serious_ with Edward and-" he realized his mistake too late, the name slipping out of his teeth harshly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I shouldn't have presumed. I just thought…if not him, than in college, maybe."

"No." I whispered.

It was his turn to blush, the color complimenting his face nicely. I was overwhelmed with affection for this man in my home, but I didn't know if it was because he was my friend or because I was deeply attracted to him. Both, perhaps.

"Well." He stammered. "It's not like that's a _bad_ thing…"

"Are you?"

He gulped. I knew the answer but I wanted him to admit it.

"No." he admitted.

I nodded. That wasn't so unexpected, really. Someone like Jacob, someone as nice and handsome and outgoing wouldn't make it over twenty years without having sex. It was almost impossible.

"Is that the only reason why?" he asked.

"Why I won't…"

"Yeah." He looked uncomfortable, but I noticed with a little pride that he was still hard.

"No, I just…Jake, you're my best friend. I can't mess this up."

"I don't understand why it has to be one or the other with you, Bella. I'm so good for you, I wouldn't hurt you."

"And if you do? Who do I turn to then? I need you, Jake. I can't do this…I can't be anything without you."

His face softened and he pulled me into a hug.

"I love you too, Bells."

**ooo**

Charlie came home late, his hair dripping with snow and ice. He shook what was left of his curly hair and hung his jacket up by the door.

"Hey kids." He breathed out. He look tired; there were purple bags under his eyes.

"Hey Dad. What took you so long?"

"The roads are really bad. Jake, I don't feel comfortable sending you out tonight. Bella, can you set him up some stuff on the couch?"

I tried not to let him see me blush, but the thought of making a bed for Jacob, of sleeping near him after what we had started to do, was crushing.

"Sure sure." I nodded and headed up stairs to the linen closet.

I could hear them chattering to each other about fishing, something I still never saw the appeal in. I pulled out a quilt blanket and a smaller, softer one, along with a pillow. I hoped they'd be enough, but I could never figure out how to do things like this for men.

I think they heard me coming downstairs because the talking stopped. I tried not to let myself think that they were talking about me and continued to lay out everything I had for Jacob on the plaid couch in our living room.

"Well, I'm off to bed. I have to wake up early to beat the ice." He grimaced and then waved as he walked upstairs. He wasn't suspicious or paranoid at all. In his mind, it was probably just Jacob and Bella, best friends _period_.

"So, if you're cold you can just…come upstairs." He raised an eyebrow at me and I hid my face behind my hands. "To get more blankets, I mean."

"Alright." He shrugged and walked over to the couch.

"Jake?" He turned and smiled. "I'm going to miss you."

"It's only a week." He soothed. "I'll be back."

A small comfort to the monster that was threatening to explode out of the wound in my heart, but as I walked up to my room and shut the door, I tried to imagine Jacob as I loved him most: curled up on my couch, smiling in his sleep.

**A/N: As always, reviews are appreciated. It makes my day and doesn't take long.**


	5. Hunted

I felt his absence acutely, but Charlie wouldn't let me disappear into nothingness. I don't think he could handle it anymore than I could.

"Bella, have you considered getting a job?" I glared at him but he wasn't looking at me. A game was playing, the flat screen flashing with the moving players.

"A…job." I mulled it over, wondering if he meant a _job_, or a fast food joint 40 hours a week. I shuddered at the latter.

But of course I had thought about getting a job. I was twenty-two years old with a college degree. I hated imposing on Charlie as long as I already had, but I didn't know where to go or what to do. I was lost.

"Yes, the thing that we adults do every day? I mean, I enjoy having you around Bells, but _I_ won't be around forever…"

He was almost fifty, too young to be talking about dying, but I knew that he was right. With Jacob gone for the week I had plenty of time to try looking into a place to work. I contemplated contacting the Newton's, but only briefly, before picking up the paper and deciding it was best to look elsewhere.

Port Angeles was full of advertisements for jobs at places I would fail at. One restaurant was looking for a waitress. I tried to imagine myself holding up large amounts of food on a platter. Even in my head I was clumsy, and tripped over the leg of a chair, contents spilling everywhere.

"That wouldn't go over well." I grumbled to myself.

I spent all morning looking through the damn paper, trying and failing to find something of interest that was also at my skill level. After awhile, I shut the paper and gave up.

"I'm going to La Push." I told Charlie, and grabbed my coat by the door.

I didn't wait for his acknowledgment before starting up my car and winding down the familiar path.

Billy was watching the football game with Seth and Quil, who had both stayed behind this month. I always wondered why none of the pack went to college, but I supposed that wasn't my business and I never asked.

"Hey Billy." I smiled as genuinely as I could. He still hadn't really forgotten about the Cullen's., though he had congratulated me on my decision immediately after it had happened. It came across as very 'insult-to-injury', but I'm sure that's how he intended it.

"Jacob's not here." He grunted, barely taking his eyes off the screen.

"I know. I'm actually just here to…hang out."

He glanced over at me, his cheek skin brushing against his collar. I cracked my neck and tried my best to ease up the tension between us.

"Hang out?"

Seth's ears perked and he smiled over at me.

"Bella, come join us!"

He made room on the couch and I reluctantly filled in the spot. The couch was worn, like it was thousands of years old. But it smelled nice, like freshly cleaned laundry. Like Jacob.

"Have you heard from Jacob?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

"No." Seth frowned. It's sometimes hard to hear his thoughts when we're so far away from each other."

I bit my lip and nodded, trying to not let my worry express itself noticeably.

"He's fine." Quil said and smiled at me. I appreciated it.

My mind wandered around the room, imagining all of the things that I would have to do alone this week. It wasn't healthy to be so dependent on a person, I knew that. And yet I couldn't help but be excited for his homecoming way earlier than necessary.

"You hungry?"

I was surprised to see Billy moving into the kitchen, but directing his question towards me. Seth nudged me in the side and I blurted out a quick yes.

"Good. I'm ordering pizza."

I grinned to myself. No wonder Charlie and Billy were so close.

"That's great. Thanks, Billy!"

Seth stood up then and stretched. He made a motion to Quil, who did the same.

"Are you going somewhere?" I felt a pang in my chest at the thought of them leaving as well, even though we weren't all that close.

"We have to do a run-around real quick. Circle the parameter."

"What?" I frowned. "Why? Is something going on?"

Seth and Quil looked at each other and then back at me. Quil composed himself and acted like nothing was wrong, but Seth looked uncomfortable.

"Jacob didn't tell you?"

I glanced at Billy, who was frozen in the kitchen. A whooshing noise filled my ears, and I felt my heart quicken. What were they hiding?

"Out with it." I demanded. "Now."

"Now, Bella, no need for you to get involved."

"No, don't do that. Jacob's my best friend. His business is my business."

There was a quiet between the four of us as they all shifted between mumbling to each other and then looking at me. Finally, Quil gave in.

"Hikers have been going missing, Bella. We think there is a vampire."

My heart stopped and the hole in my chest ripped open, seams flapping painfully.

"Oh." I whispered.

"It's only one vampire, that we know of." Seth reassured me. "We have it completely under control."

"How long?" I finally asked.

"Two weeks. Right after New Years."

I gasped. How could I not have picked it up? Jacob spent all day with me, never letting on a sign of anything being wrong, and yet he had been so irritable. He was angry the snow had shut us in and had fallen asleep at the table so quickly. He must have been spending his nights guarding…protecting us.

"Don't let him know that you know, ok? He doesn't want you to…" Seth drifted off, having the grace to look embarrassed.

"He doesn't want me to fall apart…to hope that it's a Cullen."

"It's not a Cullen." The sound of Billy's anger pulled me out of my misery. I straightened m spine and looked directly at him, across the room.

"I know that."

"And even if it is, you aren't to seek it out. I won't let you do that to Jacob again. Choose him, or choose them. You can't have both, not anymore."

My cheeks went up in flames. I tightened my arms around myself and nodded.

"I choose him." I said, as confidently as I could.

**ooo**

"Any luck with the job search?" Charlie asked over breakfast.

I had woken up early to make his favorite blueberry pancakes with freshly squeezed orange juice and bacon. I hoped that it would distract him from confronting me about this very topic. Obviously, that wasn't going to happen.

"No. And I _know_ I have to try harder, I just-"

"I found you something. I think." I raised an eyebrow quizzically, silently imploring him to carry on. "An English teaching job…at Forks High School."

I could have doubled over in pain. The idea of working as a teacher…where I met _him_, was almost too much.

"Dad…"

"Now, Bells, don't you do that. You can't always let him control what you do and do not do in life. Personally, I think you'd be better off in New York, or a completely new city altogether. But I enjoy having you here, and I think being a teacher would be something you'd like."

I paused and looked down at my plate. I shoveled some of the food around and tried to come up with a good excuse for not checking the job out. And he was right, really. I couldn't keep living in Edward's shadow.

I winced internally at thinking his name, but I knew that we weren't together because I had decided not to be with him. I needed to accept that and to move on.

"That sounds fantastic, Dad." I liked. "I'll check it out today, ok?"

He grunted in response and finished up his breakfast. As he headed out to work, I realized that people weren't always going to try and help me. If I didn't get my act together, soon I'd truly be on my own.

Which is why I hastily got read and flew out the door. My truck, monster that it was, groaned in protest but finally obliged. We wound together, trailing a memorized road that I hoped would lead to a better future, and a better self.

I parked in the teacher's lot-which was weird, let me tell you. I jumped out carefully, looking for ice and discovering none. Nature, at least, was on my side.

I waltzed cautiously into the old brick buildings that seemed so different to me after only four years away. The doors creaked at my entry and I stepped inside on the linoleum. How had I been excited to come here everyday? It was too bright under the fluorescents, and it smelled vaguely of expired perfume and spray-on deodorant.

I found the main office easy enough, feeling a bit like I was in trouble as I went inside. Who was the Principle now?

"Excuse me?" I said to a young, brunette secretary. Where had _she_ come from? "I'm here for an interview?"

The girl looked into her computer for a moment, the keys clicking irritatingly. I had never like new technology, even in college. Computers just sounded so foreign and useless.

"Isabella Swan?"

I winced. It was like the first day of school here all over again.

"Yes." I complied.

"Right. Principle Martin will see you in the room down the hall. You can't miss it."

Of course I knew where the Principle's room was. Who didn't, at some point in their lives? I nodded my thanks and started down the hallway. The walls were lined with pictures of previous men and women who had been in charge years before. Finally, I reached a door with "Martin" on it and knocked.

"Come in!"

I pushed on the door and looked inside. A man with a full head of silver hair sat, glasses perched on his expecting nose. I gulped and went in completely.

"Hello." I began, amicably.

"Hello Miss. Swan. Welcome back. I see you graduated about four years ago from Forks High, am I correct?"

"Yes." I smiled thinly.

"And now you are interested in a teaching position here." He grinned and took off his glasses. "So tell me, why do you want to teach here?"

I tried my best to keep my gaze on his face as I had a mental freak out insde. I realized how unprepared I was for this entire thing. I had spent months in my bed and mucking around. Now, I had no idea how to be a grown up.

"I had a very good life here as a student." I began. That much was true, for the most part. "I'd like to repay the favor."

His grin was even bigger now and I felt that I had at least said the right thing.

"Ok." He drummed his fingers on the desk. "Here's the thing. You're very well known in association with your father, who is a favorite among the townsfolk. I think you'd fit in very nicely."

"Thank you." I breathed.

"However," he continued, "We need you to start _this_ year, not next."

"Oh." I shifted uncomfortably. Did this year mean this week? I wasn't near to being ready for that.

"You see, our former English teacher, Mrs. Randolf, had a baby and decided to take a maternity leave. So we need to fill her spot as of next week."

"I see."

"She's lain out a plan for you to follow the rest of the year. It should be an easy transition."

I nodded in response, feeling a bit comatose. It seemed manageable…nice, even. It gave me something to do other than wait around for others to accompany me.

"It sounds wonderful." I smiled again, feeling like my cheeks were made of lead.

**ooo**

I would be working before Jacob returned in five days time. How surprising it would be to him when he came back to find myself a bit more put together than when he left me.

Charlie was even happier, smiling over his dinner and making me feel even worse for being as much of a burden as I had been for the past couple months…_years_, really.

"Tell me about the interview." He chattered pleasantly over the Mexican rice I had cooked for him.

"It was nice…the new Principle seems very…nice."

"So it was nice?" he joked.

I grinned into my food.

"Do you think you can clean up for me?" I stood and went into the kitchen with my plate. "I have to get clothes for work on Monday."

"Port Angeles?"

"Yes. There's a nice shop down there."

I heard him stand and follow me into the kitchen. He took the plate from my hand and started running the sink.

"There's some money for you on the table Bells." He squeezed my shoulder. "I'm so proud of you."

I kissed his cheek and went into the other room, grabbing my purse from the couch and stuffing the bills he left me inside of it.

"I'll be back soon!"

**ooo**

The store smelled like cotton, which shouldn't be something that has a distinct smell, and yet I buried my face in the dress I was trying on, breathing deeply. I felt so giddy with the idea of having a grown up and proper job. Previous jitters had given way to an almost surreal excitement as I had begun to look through skirts and slacks.

Having a job meant that I could stay in Forks. It meant I didn't have to leave Jacob, which felt agonizing to think about. He would come home in a few days and I'd have stories to tell him.

I removed the dress and hung it with the other "maybe" items that I had selected. So far, I had approved of a knee length black skirt, two pairs of khaki and black slacks, a couple plain button down shirts and one deep red dress.

Out of my "maybe" section I ended up only deciding to keep a soft black v-neck, not really my style but for some reason Jacob's face came to mind when I tried it on.

I used the money that Charlie gave me, making a mental note to thank him with his favorite lasagna recipe. I was walking back to my truck with my bags when I smelled it.

It was like nothing any perfume could ever create, nothing that a human could ever mimic. Sweet in an icy way, like honey crystals and sun-rays mixed in one.

I froze, foolishly, instead of quickening my pace. Then, as though to make up for my initial stupidity, I felt adrenaline pump through my veins. I was terrified, even though there was no apparent danger.

But I knew. I felt it.

My feet felt heavy as I ran, as if someone had put weights on my ankles without my knowing. And then, being me, I slipped on ice just as I was about to reach the car.

"Bella." A voice like velvet. Sweet, rolling waves on a hot summer day.

And his face, though mine had aged slightly in the few years since I had seen him, remained perfect: forever a clean slate.

His hard arms caught me and then I was jumping out, as if he were scalding hot instead of the cold I knew him to be.

"You're back." I said, as flatly as I could manage.

"Of course."

I looked around for others, for maybe Alice. Surely she had to miss me as much as I missed her?

"Is-"

"No."

He didn't _seem_ angry. After I broke off the engagement, he had merely fleeted, leaving no traces of his life behind. I hadn't heard from any of them, not even the usually gloating Rosalie.

And yet, I always expected him to be angry, instead of looking at me with the almost longing expression.

"So…why, are you here?" I put my handle on the truck. The hole in my chest was threatening to crack open, I couldn't afford to talk to him much longer.

"I heard you have a teaching job at Forks High."

"Yes." He heard? Or did he seek it out?

When he said nothing I moved for my car, pulling open the door. Quickly and silently, he shut it again, flipping me to face him.

"I don't think so."

I gulped. He didn't look so happy now, or peaceful. His black eyes were bright in my own, his skin cold on my arm.

"What in the-"

"I came to warn you."

"Warn me? From _what_?"

"Myself."

I stumbled from the shock of it, my bags hitting the ground.

"What do you mean?" I said, barely a whisper.

"I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore, Isabella. In fact, you're lucky I found you in such a crowded area."

"What?" I screeched, a little too loudly. People were starting to stare and so he moved close, pressing his lips on my forehead.

"Act natural." He said smoothly. The buttery voice was clogging in my ears, fear mixing in all of my senses.

I smiled as reassuringly as I could, even hugging him a little bit. I felt him stiffen as my hair cast my scent into his nose.

"What do you mean by warning me?"

His smile was almost lethal, all of his teeth flashing menacingly. I wondered why his eyes were so black, even before when he was thirsty, they weren't as black as this. And then I noticed the red undertone and almost screamed. What had he become in my absence?

"Bella, you are no longer with me and I have decided that this means you are against me."

My heart was hammering.

"Edward." I begged. "Please, you're scaring me."

"Good." He turned and started walking away. "Consider yourself hunted."

**A/N: Happy thanksgiving everyone! You know what I'd be thankful for? Reviews ;] They're much appreciated, and I adore hearing from all of you. Anyways, eat lots of turkey and corn!**


	6. Safe

**Disclaimer: Just toolin around a bit, but I don't take credit for the characters.**

I knew that he was home early but I didn't rush to him. After Edward announced to me that I was in immediate danger-again, might I add, I stood by my truck for what felt like hours and then came home and sat on the couch.

I didn't move until Charlie came home, with a box of pizza and a big smile on his face.

"Hey there, kiddo."

I didn't respond but walked over to the food. It was typical of Charlie to bring home pizza when it was his one night to cook. I picked up a piece and started eating it without a plate.

"Guess what I heard on my way home from the pizzeria?"

I shrugged and continued eating. It wasn't that I was sad, or angry. In fact, though I _should_ feel heartbroken that Edward was going to murder me, I only felt terrified. My heart was seizing up with riddling anxiety and nothing would stop it. I wondered if he would spare Charlie, or if my father would finally perish because of me.

"Jacob is home."

My head snapped up. Despite myself, I felt a small smile tug at my lips. I thought about something that hadn't even crossed my mind since I ran into Edward. I could run to Jacob and tell him everything. He would hide me out in his room, get his brothers together and destroy Edward. I would be safe and…

But, of course…no. I couldn't allow Jacob to be put in harms way because of me all over again. I didn't know if all of the Cullen's were here as well, or if it was just Edward. Regardless, I just couldn't imagine Jacob trying one last time to protect me, and…God forbid, failing.

So instead of rushing to him like I knew Charlie imagined me doing, I finished my pizza and went upstairs.

**ooo**

I was reading a new book that I had bought last week. It was about a zombie apocalypse. When I started college I was so sad all the time, and reading romances made it worse. So I had taken to reading books that were gruesome and gory, blood and guts everywhere.

I was reading about a chase, the main character slipping and falling, when a pounding on my window made me scream. My heart beat wildly before I remembered I was in Forks, where there was no such thing as zombies.

And yet, _something_ had pounded on my window. So I listened to see if Charlie had woken up, and then tiptoed over to my window. A face startled me almost to the point of screaming again, but I quickly recognized it as Jacob's.

So I opened the window and helped him in.

"Bella." He pulled me to his chest, which was hot even through his shirt. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." Which was honest, at least. But I was also scared and humiliated, and fine I was a little sad. But I couldn't tell him that.

"God, that was the most interesting meeting I've ever been to." He pulled back and leaned against the wall. I sat on the edge of my bed and folded my knees under me.

"Yeah?" I breathed. If I pushed him on then maybe he wouldn't read the lines on my faces as ones of worry, but rather of interest.

"Yes. Fuck yes." He was smiling that special smile. The one he made right before he gave happy news.

"So…"

"I think some new people will be joining our tribe."

I stifled a gasp. More werewolves?

"Is that even allowed?"

"I didn't think so, which is why I went to meet them in their home this past week. Their Alpha stopped phasing to grow old with his wife, but the rest of them aren't ready to stop as well."

"Wouldn't that just mean someone else became the Alpha?"

"Again, I thought so too. But no, Alpha is Alpha."

I rested my forehead in my hands and tried to focus on the details I know he wanted me to put together. But I just couldn't. It was going to explode out of me. The worry, the fear…the hunting.

"Bella?" his voice was tinged with worry.

I all but smashed into him, wrapping my arms around him and taking deep breaths.

"I saw Edward."

There were only the beats of his heart as we stood in silence. It quickened, racing across his chest as his breathing became labored.

"I suppose…you want him back now."

He pushed away a bit and I saw that his face was stoic and his eyes were above my head, staring at something not entirely there.

"What? Jacob-"

"I mean I know that you still love him. But I didn't think he'd ever…I mean, I thought with time that you could move on, or…but he's back _again_, now and-"

"Jacob, no."

He looked down at me and I gave him a sad smile.

"Did he not see you or something?" he looked confused at this idea.

"Oh, he saw me alright." I growled.

"Then _what_, Bella? What did he want?"

I crumpled to the ground, an emotional waste. If I told him he'd protect me and then he'd surely die. No one was a match for Edward when he was hunting. Not even Jacob.

"Me."

"Yes, like I-"

"No, Jake. He wants…he wants to _kill me_."

I could feel a building in Jacob's chest, as my cheek thrummed against the heat of his skin. Then he started to growl, and he picked me up, pushed the window open and jumped out. The cold was a sharp contrast and I yelped as the wind rushed around me.

Jacob practically ate the ground as he ran, faster and faster, whirling past all of the houses in our neighborhood.

"Jacob, stop! Jacob, where are we going?"

But I knew where we were going. Hadn't I imagined this as I lay in fear on my bed? Hadn't I been waiting for him to take me to La Push since I shakily drove home after Edward?

I wasn't safe on my own, not if I wanted to live. I needed Jake.

I pressed my face closer to him, trying to pull his warmth onto me. I was shivering, dressed lightly for bed though it was winter. My bare legs had goose bumps and my arms were turning pink in the cold.

"I should never have left!" he yelled into the night when we reached his house. "You could have been dead-I could have come home to you _dead_."

I put my hand on his cheek and motioned for him to let me down.

"But I'm not. I'm fine." I grinned as lightheartedly as I could.

Jacob shook his head in disgust and pushed a hand through his hair. He set me down gently and started tugging me inside. The warmth of his house made my legs start to thaw painfully. Billy was asleep, so we moved silently to his room.

It was a little chilly from the window in the corner being wide open. I moved my hands instinctively to my arms and rubbed them.

"Oh, right." He shut it quickly and pulled me into his embrace again.

We sat on his bed, curled into each other and thinking our own separate thoughts. I knew Jacob was mad, but I didn't understand why he wouldn't talk to me. I had done nothing wrong, except put him in danger once again.

"Jacob…can we please just…talk about this?"  
>"What is there to talk about? I'm not letting you leave my sight until I know for sure that Edward is dead-really dead this time."<p>

I winced. So it was like that?

"Please don't. Maybe it's better to just-"

"Let you die?" he thundered and I shrugged. He pulled me close. I could barely breathe. "I won't let anything hurt you." He whispered in my ear.

But that wasn't what I was worried about.

**ooo**

I woke up alone in Jacob's bed. For a moment I was confused and checked to see if I wasn't just dreaming it. I looked around to see if Jacob was sleeping nearby but he was nowhere in sight.

Concerned, I got out of bed and moved to the kitchen. He wasn't there either, but Quil was, eating toast and watching TV.

"Morning Bella." He said cheerfully. I smiled and waved.

"Where's Jake?"

"Hunting."

I grimaced. I knew it wasn't food he was searching for. Not wanting to talk about it, I brought up a new topic.

"So has Jake told you about the potential new members?"

He motioned for me to sit next to him and I did, sinking down into the fabric.

"Yeah, their names are Remy and Grant. They're from the Sho-Ban tribe."

I nodded and took a piece of his toast. He grunted and shoved the remaining piece in his mouth with a "get your own" glance.

"That's good news, isn't it?"

"Maybe." He shrugged. "It might not work."

"What do you mean?"

"No one has ever "switched tribes" before, so to speak. It's sort of uncalled for. You're born into your tribe and that's it."

"But your tribe has done a lot of things normally uncalled for, right?"

"Right." He nodded. "But this is different. They might not be synced with us. Their true alliance is with _their_ Alpha."

"When Jake made his own tribe, you were all able to join minds with him afterwards."

"That's true. But we were all essentially the same. We all share the same ancestors."

I nestled into his shoulder and closed my eyes sleepily. I still felt really tired, even though I had slept well.

"Do you know when he's getting back?" I murmured.

"No. But you aren't to go anywhere. I'm sort of…supposed to make sure of that." He grinned sheepishly.

I sat up and turned to glare.

"I am an _adult_. You can't make me do anything. Neither can Jake."

"Well, I wouldn't recommend trying to leave." He said softly, but I knew it was a lost cause.

My body fell into defeat as I resigned myself to stay here for the day. Who knew how long it would be before Jacob gave up and came home? Besides, I had to think about teaching on Monday. Would Jacob still let me?

He didn't have a say in it, I decided. Working would be good for me. As long as I stayed inside during the day, Edward wouldn't risk touching me.

**ooo**

Jacob returned several hours later, after Quill and I had watched a couple episodes of a show on TV, played some card games and then started dinner. If I was restricted to the house, I wanted to at least keep my hands busy.

I had decided upon a thick stew, with carrots and celery mixed in with beef and a thick broth. My fingers were slicing carrots when I felt a hot hand on my shoulder. I turned and saw him, looking exhausted and eyeing my stew appreciatively.

"You're home." I smiled.

He stuck his face near the pot and sniffed. I shoved him away playfully.

"Is there enough for the others?" he asked. "Because it looks like you only made enough for me."

"Oh, stop." I grinned. The pot was massive. I couldn't believe he was implying that he'd eat all of it himself.

Jake grabbed a knife and started helping me cut up some celery. I smiled to myself as we chopped in silence, our knives making taps on the counter rhythmically.

I grabbed handfuls of carrots and celery, dumping them in the broth, which had taken to the beef nicely. The kitchen was giving off a nice aroma that made my stomach growl.

"Come here." He said and hugged me.

I let him hold me for a couple moments before I let myself question why.

"Jake, it'll be ok."

Dampness drifted onto my scalp. I looked up and saw that he was crying, wordless tears slipping down his cheek.

"You don't understand how badly it would hurt me if you were gone."

"I'm not going anywhere. Now help me set the table."

He wiped his face and nodded. Together we moved in the kitchen, pulling bowls out and setting them on the table. Spoons and cups, a loaf of bread and napkins we moved around until we called the others to the table.

And it was easy, as I glanced around at Billy, Quil and Jacob to feel safe, if only for the night. Maybe things would be ok after all.

**A/N: ****Please take five seconds to review. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the New Year!**


	7. No World Without You

**Disclaimer: The main characters are not mine, I make no profit off of this story.**

I have wished for Edward to come back to me in what has felt like an endless night. Somewhere along the way, Jacob gave me daylight, again and again reminding me of how close he was to my own personal sun.

I didn't realize it while I was happening, but he had helped me feel again. I no longer spent all of my time wishing desperately for Edward to come back to me. I was happy with my life and the people in it-so much so that when Edward finally _did_ come back, I was more stunned than relieved.

The truth is, I knew somehow that this was the only way it could be. I had never been truly naïve enough to think that he would still love me as much as I loved him. After all, I had disrupted his life, his forever. Why would he want me to continue to exist in the period of time that we shared the earth?

But I didn't want Jacob as involved as he was. For the remainder of the weekend he stormed around the house, caught between wanting to hunt and wanting to stay with me. I almost always won out, but we never went anywhere. I had thought that Charlie would be upset, but I was an adult now. I technically wouldn't have to follow any rules that Charlie created, not that he did. I simply called him once a day, letting him know where I was.

In the phone line I could hear him smile as if he were under the impression Jacob and I were together or falling in love. Sometimes I looked over at him and wished it were that simple. There was no time for love.

And besides, I was too empty for the lie that love brought.

**OOO**

I watched Jacob sleep the day before my first day of teaching at my old high school. I was nervous-too nervous to sleep. Jacob, however, had time to sleep for the first time in a couple days. It was my turn to stay vigilant. I watched over him, counting his eyelashes as they fluttered with dreams.

I rested on my elbow, looking down at him from his bed. Despite my protests, Jacob refused to let me take the floor while he slept in his bed. It was infuriating but most nights I was too tired to argue. He didn't notice me as I reached down my free hand and touched his skin. It was warm, smooth and dusted with darker hair. My hand moved down further on his arm until I pulled his hand into my own. This caused him to stir a bit, looking up at me sleepily.

"You ok?" he murmured. He tightened his hold on my hand.

"You're so peaceful when you sleep."

His brow furrowed comically as he twisted his face in a mock grimace. I pulled my hand back and laughed. It only took a minute before he had reached up for my escaping hand and pulled me down on top of him. I thud on his chest, gasping for air as I squirmed and giggled in his hold.

"I should really thank Edward, you know."

"Why?" I sputtered.

"If it wasn't for him I would get to have you all to myself like this."

I couldn't bring myself to answer and as I lay in his arms I finally found myself tired enough to sleep.

**OOO**

My alarm went off at six am, showing me that I was back in bed under the covers. Jacob wasn't in the room and I wondered where he had gone. More importantly, how had I not noticed him leaving and putting me back in the bed?

I sat up groggily and pushed my hands through my long dark curls. Often times I wondered how I was able to stand it being this long. I unfolded myself and moved into the kitchen. Jacob was just finishing a pot of coffee, pulling it out from the maker and dumping the contents into a big blue thermos. When he saw me he smiled and motioned for me to come to him.

The kitchen was cold and I was only in a pair of thin sweats and a t-shirt. I moved quickly and pressed my face into his chest. Heat seeped onto me instantly.

"Morning beautiful." He breathed into my hair. I shivered.

"You made coffee?" I pouted a little, feeling sad that I had missed it.

"Yeah, the thermos is for you."

I smiled up at him.

"Thank you, Jake."

"I just thought I'd send you off with some caffeine. Just like the old days, right?"

I winced. Back when Edward had first left me, back when I had first started coming to Jacob for healing, he would make me coffee or hand me a coke before I left. The extra jolt kept me awake for an hour or two after I didn't have Jacob around.

"Look at me." I pulled back and frowned at my goose bumped arms and legs. "The kids are going to ruin me."

"Yeah, you'd put them to sleep you old bat." E nudged me playfully as I grimaced. "I brought some clothes from your house last night. You can get changed while I make you food.

I grudgingly went into Jacob's room again, noticing the clothes on his desk. A carefully ironed blue button up was lying on top of a gray, high waist skirt. I made sure the door was shut before I got undressed, tossing the still warm pants and shirt on the bed. I slipped the shirt on first. The blue of the shirt had always been my favorite color. It made me look almost creamy pale, instead of simply pale. Afterwards, I yanked on the skirt and vowed to not look in a mirror all day. I knew I probably looked ridiculous. Then, I remembered. What shoes would I wear? My old and dirty black converse were by the door, but those were hardly appropriate. I had bought them when I was in high school myself.

A moment of panic settled over me. I sat on the bed and put my face in my hands, feeling hopeless. I couldn't be a teacher; I didn't know why I thought that I could in the first place.

A knock on the door made me straighten myself.

"Come in!"

Jacob walked in with a plate of eggs, bacon and toast on it. He had that goofy grin on his face until he saw me. He put the plate down on his bedside table and sat down next to me. I felt the heat of his arm around my shoulder but I didn't look at him. I stared at the floor and tried not to cry.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do this Jacob."

"Bella, don't worry. One of us will always be around, making sure he doesn't step foot in the school. We'll drive you to and from the building. You are safe."

I shook my head. He couldn't understand that, even though there was immediate danger to both myself and those around me, that wasn't what I was worried about.

"What if they don't like me?" I whispered.

Jacob let out a deep chuckle that filled the room. He released me from his grip and laughed hard into his hands, his body shaking the bed and floor.

"Jacob, stop!" I frowned and turned away from him. "It isn't funny!"

He looked up and wiped tears from his face.

"Bells, you are such an idiot." I glared at him, arms crossed. "How could _anyone_ not like you? I mean, look at yourself."

I looked at him confused. What did he mean? Surely looking awful wouldn't help my case. I shrugged and turned away from him again. My pride was still hurt.

"I don't know what you mean." I simply stated.

He stood up and took my elbow. Together we walked to the full-length mirror on his closet door.

"Look. Seriously, Bella."

I saw a girl of about 5'5 with long dark hair that was full of ratty curls. She was wearing a shirt that was too tight and her skirt didn't compliment her hips at all. Tears sprang to my eyes as I turned back to Jacob.

"Yeah, ok. I see."

"No you don't." he turned me back to the mirror and held me there by my shoulders. "Look again."

"Jake-"

"Look."

I watched him in the mirror, looking at me. His hands smoothed down my hair and I saw that the flecks of red glinted in the curls at random, giving my hair a soft and full appearance. His hands moved down over my arms and down my waist and I saw that the color not only made my skin look clear and creamy, but my breasts looked fuller, my arms thinner. Still moving his hands down over the bump of my hips, I saw that the skirt emphasized the contrast between my tiny waist and lady like hips. His hands rested there as I really looked, just like Jacob said. I wasn't hideous, but I never really saw it until I had Jacob. His view on the world was so pure and so true, was it possible that he could transform me as well?

"Oh." I whispered.

He kissed my cheek and let go.

"Breakfast is on the table. I'll drive you to school in fifteen minutes."

**OOO**

I looked out the window as the final bell rang. My hands were still shaking as I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. The coast was clear, but I knew how fast Edward was. He could appear when I least expected it. I could be dead in an instant.

I thought back on my day and despite how nervous I was to leave the building, I smiled. I taught four classes every day, each bringing in a group of teenagers, 16-17 years of age. It was different from what I had expected. I had thought I would bore them to sleep, but instead they had remained transfixed on me the entire time.

I introduced myself as Miss Swan, feeling a rise of pleasure when they repeated it back to me. They had left off in the section of Shakespeare I remembered so clearly from my own days at Forks High.

I tried my best to transition into their lives as smoothly as I could. They seemed eager to learn, which was more than I could have hoped to expect. My final classes, a group of only 15 students, were the only ones who seemed distracted. I tried not to hold it against them. After all, it was the end of the day. No one wanted to be here at the end of the day.

I felt my heels clack on the floor as I left the room and locked the door. There were still milling around in the halls, getting in their lockers and shoving each other playfully. Jacob had surprised me by presenting me with a pair of nice black heels right before we left. He had blushed when I threw my arms around him and hugged him, claiming it was nothing.

When I moved outside of the school, Jacob was at my side instantly. He handed me my helmet and smiled.

"I know you're in a skirt but I think we can figure it out."

I nodded and put the helmet on. Despite the fact that the skirt was tight we managed to get me on the back, my arms wrapped around Jacob's middle tight. The winds were cold, but not in an unpleasant way. I was starting to sweat from being that close to Jacob for so long and the air was a nice contrast.

When we reached his house he all but threw me inside. I was a little homesick, but I didn't want to tell Jake that. I knew he felt conflicted about keeping me locked down on La Push.

All the same, seeing the house again where I knew, within reason, I was safe against all odds, was comforting. I took off the helmet and handed it to Jake, who was tying the bike up to a rail near his garage. I was just about to tell him about my day when every hair on his body seemed to stand up

"What?" I whispered.

He took a step closer to me and leaned close to my neck. I heard him take a deep breath and then cringe, as if he were in physical pain. I felt my heart racing as he pulled away sharply and stared at me.

"You smell like vampire." He said and I swear my heart stopped.

"What?"

"Bella, have you been around a vampire at all today?"

"No…" I tried my best to think of if I had, but I couldn't conjure up anything. Surely I knew what a vampire looked like, right?

Or had I failed Jacob yet again.

"Go inside." He ordered.

I took off my heels and stumbled in the house.

**OOO**

When something happens, you try your best to go back in your mind and see if you could have seen it coming. My mind was full of holes, but I looked again and again. Jacob paced inside, digging his heels into the ground and grinding his teeth. We were both agitated but I couldn't help feeling like he was more agitated towards me.

"I'm trying!" I cried. He stopped.

"Try harder." He demanded. "This could be crucial, Bella."

And then it clicked. There was a face in the back row of my last class, barely taking their eyes off of me. They were deep pools of black that shone like diamonds under a fine layer of dust. His head was tilted, letting a bit of dim winter light shine on his neck. His skin was pure white, smoother than my own.

And he was beautiful. I can't believe I hadn't noticed it before. How could I not have noticed it? He could have easily gotten alone with me and taken me to Edward.

"Oh." I gasped.

Jacob's hands gripped my shoulders. He pulled me up and shook me lightly.

"What, Bella? Tell me!"

"Jacob, stop!" I tried to push him off but he gripped harder. My sun was about to implode.

He released me and I fell. I didn't want to get up in case he flipped again.

"I'm sorry Bella." He offered me his hand and I stood up. "Please tell me."

"There was a boy…" I told him about the unmistakable eyes, the skin that made me want to speak to him and only him.

"Damnit!" he slammed his fist down on the table behind us. The edge cracked and I winced. "He's found a way in. He knows we can't get in like that."

I pulled my legs to my chest and tried not to breathe. I would never be safe. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to think that I could be.

"Jake…maybe we should just give up."

"Don't you _dare._"

I looked up from behind my legs and saw a look on his face that I had never seen before in all the time that I had known him. Not even when we first found out that Edward had come back. It was beyond rage, beyond hatred. It was incomprehensible.

"Jake, I just don't think-"

"There is no world for me without you Bella. I could never even…try and imagine a world not just without light, but without darkness as well. A world that is neither hot nor cold; no feelings or tastes or sound. That is how it will be for me without you. I will never give up and I will never stop trying. So don't you dare give up either. If not for you, then for me. "

I could hear his breathing, feel it on my skin. This was more than Edward had ever said to me. It was overwhelming and yet lightening as well. My burden did not cease to exist, but rather it split in half.

I stood and pulled him to me. I felt my head hit the part of his chest where his heart was. It was thudding loudly and too fast to be normal. But I was the only normal one here.

"I won't give up." I whispered.

But there was a nagging feeling in the back of my head. Like there was something I needed to do but hadn't. Images flooded in my brain until it settled on one of me reaching up and kissing Jacob.

I stopped myself before it got any further. It was wrong to act upon strong feelings. Regret always poured out later, like a bad hangover from a night of drinking.

"You can't go back." He said pushing me away and looking down at me.

"You're joking me." I shook my head in disbelief.

"Bella, be reasonable. All it would take is _one_ second, and you'll be-"

"Fine. I'll be fine." I slipped my hand into his and squeezed. "I can't leave after one class. That's rude."

"And being dead, that's so polite."

I held my tongue. I wasn't budging on this. I liked my job.

Finally, Jacob sat down and nodded. I sat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"We'll just be more careful."

He grunted and shut his eyes.

**OOO**

I wanted to wake up before Jacob this time, but when my alarm went off he was already in the kitchen, cooking again. This time Billy was in there as well, and they were both whispering quietly by the stove.

"Hey boys." I joked, treading softly towards them.

Billy rolled to the table, his mouth in a tight line.

"Morning Bella." Jacob called, a big grin on his face. It looked fake.

They were both clearly worried about today. I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I was as well. All night I had woken up once every hour, sure that I was already dead and the darkness was the inside of my coffin. I'd reach down for Jacob's hands and felt the warmth in his skin. It lulled me back to sleep until the next hour.

I had gotten ready before I came out, this time in long black pants and a black jacket over my shirt. I added a gold necklace I had gotten for graduation and pulled my hair back into a messy bun. I looked like a librarian.

"You look nice." Billy grunted from the table.

Jacob set a plate of food in front of him and he tucked in.

"Thank you." I smiled. He was always such a bad liar. It almost made up for it.

Jacob put a plate down at the table for me, with a cup next to it full of black coffee. The smell pulled me in and I sat down.

"You know, you're actually a pretty decent cook." I told him, chewing on some eggs.

"Actually? As in you're surprised?"

"I mean, you _are_ a dog."

He grabbed my plate and held it above his head.

"Well, then I guess I'll just finish this myself."

I pouted and looked at him pleadingly.

"Please…"

He set the plate back down and got his own. The three of us ate together in silence, nervous energy floating around us. Billy finished first and went to go shower. Jacob finished next, staring at me until I was done.

"Ready?" he asked.

And I thought that I was. I hoped that somehow, someway, we'd be able to get through this. Together.

**A/N: You are all AWESOME. Thank you to my new and old readers, I appreciate you all so much! I hope you've all had a wonderful holiday and that your new year has been great so far. **


	8. A Gut Feeling

I saw him standing next to his motorcycle outside of the school. All day I had been thinking of how to tell him what I needed him to know…what I had figured out.

"Jacob!"

He turned and saw me, rushing to my side instantly. I took his hand in my own and followed him to the bike. Because I was wearing pants, it was easier to get on the back and allow myself to be taken on the road.

Today felt like spring, it was so beautiful outside. For that reason, the mysterious boy hadn't been at school today. I had waited for him to show all day but he hadn't come. I let myself release my guard a little.

Jacob took an unexpected turn on the road and we went down a new path. I hardly recognized it until we reached _my_ house. I hadn't been home in almost a week. A swelling of emotion welled in my throat. I hopped off and just stood in front of it. There was my truck, rusting and old next to a tree that I had spent my childhood trying to climb and failing.

"I thought you could use some…space."

I turned and smiled. I love him so much in that instant. I didn't know what came over me but I had to tell him. Now.

"Jacob. You should know something."

"Hm?" he looked at me earnestly, listening. He didn't even see it coming.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Jake. Really. What would I be doing if you weren't here? I just…I don't know."

"Bella…"

"No, please. Let me, ok?"

"Bells, no. There's a reason I took you home today and I think you should-"

"Me first." I put my hand over his mouth and smiled. "Jacob, I love you. I think maybe I always did. I don't really know how to live without you, and I've stopped wanting to. It hurts too much. I want…I want to be with you. Always."

I closed the space between us and stood on my toes. I felt the back of his neck with my fingers, the light black fuzz tickling my hands. My lips pressed against him hard and I pulled him closer. He was everything I wanted, everything I needed.

But he wasn't kissing me back. His body was stiff and he pulled away.

"I saw Edward today Bella."

My spine tightened as I looked at him in disbelief.

"What?"

"God, this is so unfair. I can't believe I have to ruin this when I've wanted it for so long." He pushed his hands through his hair, parts sticking up in fly-a-way motions.

"What are you talking about?"

"He loves you Bella. We've had this all wrong."

"You're lying." I stepped away from him.

"I'm not."

"Then…then what do you mean?"

He took a step towards me but seemed to reconsider and stepped back again. He looked so uncomfortable that for a moment I forgot everything in the past few months, years even, and saw the small boy I played in the sand with. I wanted to hug him and reassure me it was ok. But something inside of me saw already that it wouldn't be. Not after he told me what he had to say.

**OOO**

**Jacob: **I have loved Bella since I dropped off her truck when she first moved to Forks. She had darker hair then and it hung in curtains around her face. Though she was paler than anyone I had ever seen, besides the Cullen's that is, her skin had a faint glow in it from living in the sun for so long. She looked at me with those long eyelashes hanging above the most beautiful chocolate eyes and I just knew. Sometimes you know right away that you love someone and that's how it was for me. Instantaneous.

Waiting for her has been the easiest thing I've ever done, but it hasn't been painless. Watching her love the bloodsucker for almost two years and then be _engaged_ to him left me in agony. Even after they split and she went to college, it was never over for her. She loved him and I loved her. Pathetic, really.

But now she lying on my bed, sleeping, and I knew how close I was. You couldn't resist someone who showed you so much affection, consistently. I knew that.

I tried to wake up before she did so that she could have breakfast. Billy was in the kitchen already and I knew he wasn't in a good mood. He didn't like that I was involved with the Cullen's again. He was completely averse to having Bella, the thing that Edward wanted, so close to home. It put everyone in danger, not just me.

"Morning." I tried and moved straight to the stove. He rolled behind me, almost tripping me.

"She in there still?"

"Yes. And she will remain in there until it's safe for her to go back home."

"Jacob, don't be stupid. The vampire wants one thing and keeping her in your room won't-"

"Won't _what?_ You think I should let her die, old man? Your best friend's daughter? It's not an option. It's never been an option."

"Maybe you should just think about it." His eyes soften a little. He won't change my mind though.

"Sure sure."

"Morning boys." I turn and she's standing there in the doorway.

Her hair is messed up and framing her small face. She looks so soft and delicate. I want to scoop her up and hide her forever. I give her breakfast and take her to school. Quil is going to circle around today, making sure no vampires go in. But it's nice outside and I don't think he'll mind as much as he does when it's snowing and cold.

He understands regardless. They all do. They have to, anyway.

Driving away is hard. Leaving Bella in general is hard. I keep thinking to myself how much I want to stay and protect her, but I can't. I have too much to do today anyway. I resolve myself to not look behind me and make it to the clearing in the meadow. I've known for a long time now that it's where I'm supposed to be.

It was a gut feeling that came over me when I thought back to Bella the first time that her and Edward split. She was so intent on finding this clearing, so sure that it contained a magical connection between them.

That's when I knew the bloodsucker wouldn't be in the house that sat abandoned past the woods. He'd be in the meadow, waiting for her to come to him. But I wouldn't let that happen. I'd get there first. I'd rip him to shreds and make sure he burned in hell where he belonged.

My bike skid on dirt as I made it up the hill. I parked it and ripped into the air, running up to the meadow as a wolf. My paws hit the ground in loud paws, my heart in my throat. I was so ready for this to be over. So ready that I didn't even see it coming.

He was sitting there calmly when I reached the clearing. Staring into space, barely moving.

"Hello Jacob." I felt a growl bubble in my throat but I just walked closer. "I'd feel more comfortable if we could speak as humans."

His smell was burning my nose; at least as a human he'd be a little more tolerable. I grudgingly complied and pulled on pants that I'd tied around my leg before I transformed.

The sun was bright and his sun was glinting obnoxiously. I remember Bella thought it was beautiful, but it just made me want to rip into him more.

"So how are we going to do this?"

"Simple. I'm just going to let you."

"Just like that?"

He hesitated. I could tell death scared him, just a little, but he nodded.

"Yes."

"Then why am I a human?"

"I wanted you to understand me first Jacob."

I growled. I wanted to kill him more than anything, the sick bastard.

"How could I _ever_ understand you? You loved her, you prick. So, she left you. Does that mean she has to die? I never killed her when she was with you."

He sighed and smiled a little. It was a sad smile. The sadness threw me off. Then I noticed how _tired_ he looked. His eyes were almost sallow, the bags beneath them darker than normal. He didn't look menacing or like he had something planned. He looked like what he was-a man condemned.

"Oh Jacob. Surely you must have seen beyond this, even just a little."

"There isn't anything more to all of this. You want her dead. That's not happening. End of story."

He reached out, his hand almost touching my shoulder before I snapped my teeth at him and stepped back. He wasn't getting me to fall for his tricks. I would always see through him, I always had.

"You have permission to kill me. Let me at least have my piece."

"Sure sure."

He sat down and looked up at me. The sun couldn't have done anything to his ice-cold skin, and yet he looked like he was trying to absorb it. It was a nice day; I'd give him that. The sun was beautiful for a winter day.

"Jacob, I never wanted to kill Bella. I just needed her to think that."

I stumbled a bit. It all clicked into place and I closed my eyes, not wanting to hear his next words.

"There is no life for me without Bella. When she left me, I thought that I could simply watch her live a satisfying life and that would be enough. But it will never be. And yet, I love her so much that I could never ask her to come back to me when it makes her so unhappy. So I decided to tell her that I would kill her. It's always been an idea in the back of her mind; I knew it wouldn't be something she'd immediately shoot down. She knew she'd hurt me. She'd consider it a punishment. But I knew also that you had to be the one to kill me. That way you'd be her hero. She'd accept you more in her heart if you'd saved her from death. You'd always have that tie to her."

My head felt like it was going to explode. I wasn't sure if I should punch him or cry. Of course he hadn't been serious. Of course he'd never hurt Bella. The way he'd moved around her when they were together…he never planned on losing her. I remembered when they got engaged. The pain I'd felt had been so ineffable…I couldn't imagine having to live as long without her as he had to.

He was looking at me with a pleading expression. I knew he wanted me to kill him now but I couldn't do it. Don't ask me why, but seeing him on the ground so exposed and vulnerable…it made me think of me. I backed away, shaking my head.

"No. I can't. I'm sorry."

He stood, moving so fast I almost tripped.

"You have to. I can't bear it any longer."

"She'll know, Cullen. She'll figure out that you still love her and I killed you. She'll never forgive me."

He hadn't considered that, I could tell. As usual he was thinking only of himself.

I began to run, hoping that I was faster than him on legs. I wanted to just get on my bike and leave. I didn't have to get Bella for several hours and I needed to clear my head before I did.

"I'll wait." He called, his voice stinging my ears.

My insides burned but I didn't stop for 10 miles. I got on my bike and sped all the way to La Push. I ran into my bedroom and fell on the floor, stifling a scream.

The bastard had gotten to me. Worse still, I knew what I had to do and it wasn't fair. It wasn't right. I deserved Bella. We were good together. I was healthy for her. But she would never let him go. She'd always regret leaving him, even if she never said it out loud.

She thought that she was too old for him, but I could see that it didn't matter to him how old she was. She was herself, regardless of age. And she didn't look much older. Besides a few lines around her eyes and mouth, she still looked exactly the same. There was still time for them, if I let it.

And I knew that I had to. I saw her lying in bed, barely breathing and staring at the walls. She was inconsolable. I'd never be enough. I would hold her at night and she'd shake with nightmares. His name still slipped out here and there in the dark.

They were made for each other. I had always been standing in the way of that. I stood, hours later, and pulled on a new shirt. I went outside, seeing Billy by the door. He had Bella's helmet in his hands.

"You saw him." He said.

I reached for the helmet, snatching it away from him. I would never make him understand, there was no point explaining.

"Don't." I ordered.

"Son." He put his hand on my arm. I stopped and looked down at him. "What happened?"

"You know what happened. You'd have to be a fool not to see it coming. I was a fool."

He took my other hand and forced me to my knees. We were staring right at each other. His eyes were gently and his face was sad.

"Fools are ones who do not allow themselves to love. You haven't lost anything by loving her."

I rested my cheek on his knees. I could feel his hands on my head and for a moment I was a boy and Billy was my Dad, comforting me over a broken toy or a scraped knee. I allowed myself to be babied and then I stood and picked up the helmet.

"I'm going to pick her up." I said.

**OOO**

She was standing in front of me, waiting to be picked up. When she saw me her whole face lit up. It cracked me in half. I knew looks like those were only meant for one person. I was just the substitute.

I let her hug me and I handed her the helmet, which she put on her head. I felt her arms tighten around me. They were cool and the feeling seeped through my shirt and onto my skin. I wondered if she felt how nervous I was.

I drove her back to her house. I knew that once I told her, she'd want to be by herself. I knew I needed space from everyone when she had left me all those years ago.

She was quiet when she realized where she was. I think I'd underestimated how homesick she had been all this time away. I wondered when she had last actually seen Charlie.

"I thought you could use some…space." I offered.

"Jacob, you should know something." Her face was so bright that for a moment I forgot what I had come here to do. To tell her.

"Hm?" I said, almost in a daze. God, she was so beautiful. In the sun bits of red came through in her hair, a rich mahogany.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Jake. Really. What would I be doing if you weren't here? I just…I don't know."

That woke me up. I looked at her and she look so…grateful. I felt disgusted with myself. I should have let her go so long ago. I wished I wasn't so selfish.

"Bella." I tried to interrupt her but she was insistent.

"No, please." She said. "Let me, ok?"

"Bells, no. There's a reason I took you home today and I think you should-"

Her hand went over my mouth. She thought this was a joke, or a favor I was doing her. She had no idea.

"Me first…Jacob, I love you. I think maybe I always did. I don't really know how to live without you, and I've stopped wanting to."

My ears drummed loudly and I couldn't hear the rest of what she was saying. She was being honest, but I knew that if she had even the possibility of going back to him these words wouldn't even exist.

Then she was kissing me. Her mouth was warm and a little wet, like she'd licked her lips before reaching up. Everything in my body was screaming to pick her up and slam her against the wall, but I didn't kiss her back. I tried to be unresponsive and let her pick up on it. She was persistent however, and I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled back.

"I saw Edward today Bella."

She tripped a little in shock. She looked at me like she was looking for blood. As if the leech could _bleed_.

"What?" she screeched.

"God, this is so unfair. I can't believe I have to ruin this when I've wanted it for so long." I paced around, trying to figure out how to say what she needed to hear.

"What are you talking about?" she looked so confused.

"He _loves_ you, Bella. We've had this all wrong."

Her face drained of color. She was white as a sheet, crisp against the grass behind her. She looked…dead.

"You're lying." She accused, her eyes narrowing.

"I'm not."

"Then…then, what do you mean?"

There were so many things that I wanted to tell her. Like that before she fell asleep, her body twitched randomly. Or how when she was chewing something she liked her nose scrunched up and her eyes glinted. I wanted to tell her that I once tried to find the color of her eyes-the exact shade, and couldn't. Instead, I told her the truth.

"He can't live without you. This has all been a plan to get me to kill him, in a way that wouldn't hurt you at the same time."

"What?" her eyes crinkled up.

"He knew if he simply asked me to kill him that I would say yes. But if I killed him just because, you'd never be ok with it. There had to be a reason. Your life had to be in danger. You had to believe it."

"I don't…" tears welled up in her eyes.

I could see the inner conflict that she was struggling with. She had told me so many times that she didn't love him, that she never really wanted to be with him. But hearing that he loved her still…even now…it changed things. Love changed everything.

"It's ok." I moved away from her further. "I promise to forget everything you told me. Just…can you do something for me?"

"Jake." She was crying, tears pouring down her face. "Please."

"If you leave…don't come back this time. I can't take it again."

Now she was sobbing, kneeling on the ground, arms around her stomach.

"I can't do this." She cried. I knew what she meant. I didn't know if I could do it either.

She stood up and wiped under her eyes. Mascara had leaked a bit on the creases.

"It will be ok, Bella." I tried to reassure her.

"Don't leave me."

"Goodbye."

**OOO**

**Bella:** Words cannot explain how difficult it is to love someone. The movies tell us that we'll be safe and protected forever and that the one we love will make us so undeniably happy. It never tells how hard it is to have more than one person be this wonderful to you.

But watching someone you love leave is unbearable. I have had to watch both men that I love leave me and I didn't know how to stand it.

A song played in my head as I watched him walk to my bike. _This is the first day of my life; swear I was blind before I met you_.

I walked after him, praying he'd turn around. I wanted to see his face.

_I'm glad I didn't die before I met you._

I put my hand on his elbow and he stopped.

"Jake…"

He turned and looked down. His face was so sad and it was my entire fault. Again.

"Don't." he begged. "I can't leave when you look at me like that."

_If you want to be with me, with these things there's no telling we just have to wait and see._

"Then stay with me."

"I can't watch you with him again, Bella. I'm sorry. I wish I could be a better friend but-"

I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him so hard I thought I might explode. He struggled a little but I parted his lips with my tongue, letting it touch the back of his teeth and then pulled back. He gasped and moved his hand to my lower back, pulling me up in his arms and pushing his hand through my hair.

I kissed his lower lip and then his upper lip. I bit his ear and then kissed his collarbone. I kissed the tip of his nose and the corner of his eyes. I wanted to show him that I chose him and I wanted him to believe me.

**A/N: This has been my favorite chapter so far. I love writing from Jacob's POV, he's such a sweetheart! **


	9. Fragile

"We need to sort out this mysterious boy, Bella. Are you _sure_ you don't know his name?"

I shook my head. I had been through the roster several times and everyone was accounted for. There were no extra names. For all I knew, he wasn't even a student.

"I told you, no." I sighed heavily and leaned my head on his shoulder.

His once stern face softened as he looked down at me. It had been a dramatic afternoon, but we had retired in my house, waiting for Charlie to come back from work.

His hand moved to my check and cupped it, pulling me to him softly and kissing my lips.

"I'm sorry Bells. I just want you safe."

"I know. I just can't…figure it out. It frustrates me."

He stood and started pacing the room.

"What really gets me is that he can't be working for Cullen, since he never intended you harm in the first place."

"Maybe it's not as big as we think. He could just be here living peacefully. It could just be a coincidence."

He glared at me and I shrugged. I knew how exhausted he was. The mysterious boy wasn't the only issue on his hands. There was still the matter of Edward…and what _he_ wanted.

Truth be told, though I had made my decision, that didn't mean I didn't still care about Edward. He was still my first love…my ex fiancé. I didn't want him killed on my account.

But Jacob couldn't turn the switch off that easily. In his mind, if Edward really wanted to die, then he should be allowed to. None of his family would do it for him, involving the Voltori was too risky and might hurt the rest of his family after the fact, which left…Jacob.

I wasn't so sure that Jacob, no matter how much he claimed to have wanted this for a while, would be ok after murdering someone. Jacob was a peaceful person, despite how often he had had to fight in his young life. Killing someone, just because, would most likely kill him too. It went against everything that he and his tribe stood for.

I had decided to handle it on my own. I would seek Edward out, despite the fact that Jacob wouldn't tell me where he was. I had a good idea, considering that it had been where we convened so often in the past. Our little safe spot…our beautiful meadow.

I felt his hands on my shoulders as he looked at me. I smiled up at him and wrapped my legs around his hips, pulling him closer. He picked me up and kissed me, his eyes fluttering shut. I kissed him back, humming in pleasure.

"You know…Charlie doesn't get back for a couple more hours…"

His eyes snapped open. He looked at me blankly, his brow creased in confusion.

"I thought you said-"

"I love you, Jacob. I can't imagine losing my virginity to anyone else."

He smiled a little, looking like he wanted to say more on the subject but was afraid to. I clasped his face in my hands and kissed him. My tongue pushed against his lips and he opened them in response. I could feel his tongue slip inside my mouth, lightly touching mine and then leaving. I could feel him moving up the stairs into my room, his breathing hitched but controlled.

I moved my mouth to his neck and bit down on the soft skin above his collarbone. His gasp sent shivers down my spine and I sucked lightly on the same spot. He dropped me backwards on my bed.

And then he just looked down at me.

"You are so beautiful." He whispered. "Nothing in this whole world can compare to you."

"I love you." I stated. It was the truth.

He slowly lowered his body weight onto mine. I felt his heat, as I always did, but this time a similar feeling burned in my lower body. I arched my back to meet his chest, the fabric of our clothes feeling too much like a boundary.

Almost as if he read my mind, Jacob moved down and slowly pushed my shirt up. His mouth rested for a moment on my stomach, until I squirmed in anticipation. Finally he bit down on my hip, pulling up and then pushing down with his fingers. He repeated, moving up and leaving little dark jewels of red in a crisscrossing pattern on my skin.

We pulled up on my shirt together, yanking it over my head and sending my hair tumbling down my back. The cold air in the room made me instinctively raise my arms to cross over my chest, my cheeks reddening. Gently, he pushed them away and moved his mouth to an already hardened nipple. He took it in his mouth, the heat of it sending waves of pleasure down my back and I let out a moan that filled the whole room.

Our clothes practically fell off until it was skin and skin, heat against heat. I took him in my hand, so much bigger than I originally thought, and stroked softly. I was so pleased with his response, his breathing growing heavier and his weight falling more on me that I began to stroke faster until I felt him gasp and pull me away.

He kissed me and the kissing was urgent. We needed each other so much in our kissing that to come apart again hurt terribly. He moved his hand farther and farther down until his thumb was at my clit. He gently flicked and there were black spots at my eyes.

"Oh." I gasped. "Oh!"

He hovered above me, unsure. I smiled and he went inside.

I had thought that I was fragile, weak even, but through our lovemaking I saw that I was so much stronger than I believed I was. I took him inside of me and I opened up to him. He moved faster and faster and we kept pulling each other closer and closer until we exploded as one.

And when it was over, it wasn't really. It's an unexplainable thing really, but I had the sense that it would keep going infinitely. We had come together, and our love would keep us together. Like a good book, or an especially good meal, the first time you experience something is always the best, but it never gets less amazing.

So I looked at him and I smiled. And he smiled back because he felt the same way.

**OOO**

I began to get dressed at midnight, when Charlie and Jacob had both gone to sleep. Jacob went home to La Push, kissing me chastely before he was gone, and Charlie was snoring loudly in his room.

I knew there was only one way to settle all of this, and it wouldn't happen with Jacob involved.

As I started my car as quietly as I could-no small feat- I thought back to when I was seventeen. I had been so full of love and life when I was around Edward. It had been the highlight of my life. I could remember how amazing it felt to wake up and see him there and know he was watching over me when I slept. But it was more than that. He made me believe in myself. He made me see that I was beautiful and desirable. I owed him a lot.

But I owed myself more credit. I could see through Jacob's eyes something more than what Edward had given me. I wasn't just an object of affection-I was _strong_.

I had overcome many pains in life and I was a better person because of them. We all have tragedies. We become more than them though. I needed to make Edward see that.

I stopped my car as close to the trail as I could. It was pitch black and I was scared. I knew there were more than just vampires that I had to fear in here. But if Edward still loved me, I imagined that somehow he would know I was here and come to me. Love was meeting each other in the middle.

The hike was shorter than I remembered it to be. The hills were not nearly as tumulus as I had imagined them to be. Or maybe I was just determined.

But when I reached the clearing…he wasn't there. Not just at first sight, but at all. I stumbled around a bit, trying to even call out his name, but he wasn't there.

And then there _was_ someone. I stifled a scream as I recognized who it was. The boy from class. The boy with the onyx eyes. He stepped into the moonlight and I saw that this wouldn't end well.

"Hello Miss. Swan." His voice called out.

"It's you."

"Yes, and it's just us this time."

I tried to move away from his line of direction, but I couldn't. He had me trapped. I saw now that I was going to die. I would never know the reason, but at least I would die truly loving someone.

"Do what you came here for." I said, trying not to let my voice tremble.

"Don't you want to know why?" I shook my head. "My sister's name is Tanya. Perhaps you recognize the name?"

"I do." I whispered.

"She really loved Edward, a couple decades before you came along. It hurt her to see that someone, a mortal especially, was the only thing that could make him happy."

"I didn't know that she had a brother." I tried. This time my voice _did_ tremble.

"We're not technically related. We've just always known each other. And she had trouble associating herself with me because until recently I didn't join her…diet."

I gulped and he sneered.

"Please."

"No, I don't think I'll spare you." He said.

And then he was gone.

For a moment I was confused. Had he decided to prolong my fate? But then…then I felt it. A burning fire on my upper arm. Worse than fire; a rage building in my limbs and spreading like a venomous web throughout my entire body. But my arm, it was concentrated and I fell to the ground screaming.

I wanted someone to save me, but who was there? The Cullen's were gone, and Edward was nowhere near here. I had no way of contacting him. Jacob couldn't remove vampire venom and if I went to a doctor I would be institutionalized-shut away forever.

So I tried my best to not black out and I drove myself to the cliff that I had jumped off of several years ago, and I curled on the ground and I let the pain consume me.


	10. Venom

**A/N: ****_Hey! You! I know this chapter is going to upset some people but don't lose faith in me! I know what I'm doing :]_**

I could feel the venom everywhere in my entire body. Time didn't matter. Outside temperature didn't matter. Hunger, thirst, smells didn't matter. The only thing I could focus on was the pain that I felt inside of me.

I was a little aware, as it started to space out a little, of the fact that he sun had come up two times, which meant that if my memory served me right, the process was almost over.

I waited patiently, feeling the energy come back to me in spurts. One minute I was awake and aware, but too tired to move. The next, I was writhing in pain. And then it was over. My body felt wrung out, wasted of life. It was as if someone had stepped on all of my bones and then reset them slowly.

For a moment I was deluded into thinking the whole thing had been a dream. But when I stood up, I saw that my arm faintly glinted in the sun. A thousand diamonds simmered under the ice coating that was now my new skin.

I stood up and brushed my hands on my pants. A smart part of me, dim in the corner of my rapidly processing mind, that I might not have a job anymore. I had, after all, missed three unexcused days with no warning for my absence.

Then I laughed. I was immortal now; I wouldn't have been able to keep the job for very long anyway, considering that my never aging appearance would have caused quite the stir.

I knew that I couldn't go home right now. I hadn't looked at my appearance, but I was sure that I wouldn't look anything like the Bella that my Dad was used to. Could I even see Charlie at this point? I thought of him and I waited for the dry ache in my throat that the Cullen's had warned me of, but nothing happened. I didn't have the urge to run to him and rip his throat out.

What did happened was a pang, deep in my chest that left me crippled. I missed him and my emotion for missing him was amplified by a million-no, a trillion. I let out a dry sob and then composed myself. I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye. I had to go see Jacob. Whatever would face me in the next couple days…or rather, for the rest of my existence, I couldn't do it alone. And I wouldn't allow myself to think of how much _this_ might change things between us. Not when I had just gotten him securely in my life.

I was glad that I had moved my car before I blacked out. My head hurt in a very human way, and I wasn't sure I was up to walking to the trail near the meadow. I stumbled over and got in the truck. When I started it, the roar of the engine made my ears ring. I shuddered to myself. Had it always been this loud?

I found myself impatient with how slow the car moved. Although the drive from the cliff to Jacob's house was only 30 minutes, it felt like an hour. Surely I could have walked there faster than drive in this old thing!

The air outside of Jacob's house smelled tense. I could practically _feel_ the worry emitting from the people inside. I stood, letting the wind blow through my hair and consider what I was getting into. Would I want to kill the people inside? Would Jacob be able to stop me if I did? I let myself have faith in my love and walked up to the door.

Before I could even knock, the door flew open.

"Bella!" cried Jacob, who hugged me without even looking at me. His face was so agonized, worry and grief spilled over his cheeks and forehead.

And then he yelped as soon as he touched me, falling back into the doorway.

"Jake-"

"What the _fuck_ are you? _Who_ are you?"

"Jacob, it's me…"

A roar filled his throat as he shoved me backwards. Instead of falling like I normally would, I was able to leap back up almost gracefully. Instinctively, a growl came up in my throat.

We stared at each other. Hours seemed to pass, but I didn't mind the stillness. Being still came easily to me.

"Bella?" he asked finally. I nodded. "No." he fell to his knees and began to sob.

"Jacob, it's ok." I moved close to him and put my hand on his shoulder.

He ripped my hand away from him and snarled.

"How could you do this to me? After…after the other night?" he stood up and looked down at me cruelly. "Did you put your clothes on and go straight to him? Did you fuck him for your immortality?"

I winced and shoved him, hard. He fell back so hard and fast that he hit the wall. I wondered where his family was and why they hadn't come to his defense. I suppose I was lucky that it was just the two of us.

"How dare you. I didn't choose this."

From the corner of the room he looked at me warily. His eyes were red and puffy and curled up like that he just looked like my Jacob…my love. I wanted to get close to him and kiss him. I wanted to dig my teeth in his throat and-

I sucked in a breath, alarmed at my thoughts. I didn't want to hurt Jacob. I didn't want to..._eat_ him. I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

I offered my hand out to him and reluctantly he took it. He shivered and as soon as he was on his feet he released me.

"You're so cold. Freezing."

"I don't feel cold." I said softly. "But you…you're burning hot."

"Thanks." He cracked and smiled sadly. Jacob always was one for lame jokes.

"Ok. So." I breathed.

"So."

"Can I come in?"

He looked at me once again, his brow furrowing in conflict. I could tell he was torn, but eventually, he stepped aside.

"Yeah, come in."

**OOO**

I smelled something in his house. It was too many flavors to pick out just one, most likely some kind of broth or stew. Normally I would have been hungry from the first wiff, and it wasn't that it smelled unpleasant per say…it's just, there was something a lot more tempting to me at the moment. My friend's heart thudding wetly n his chest at the opposite end of the couch.

I knew he didn't trust me. I didn't blame him but it still hut when he sat down away from me. He wouldn't even look at me, except to occasionally flick over my face and sharply turn away.

"God. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you are…I mean, you smell revolting, but…I never knew that it was possible for you to be even more beautiful." My face warmed at that thought. If it were possible for me to blush, I would have.

"Thanks."

"It's just…you aren't Bella. You're like this…I don't know, Barbie or something. Even your _voice_ is different."

"Is it?" I focused but all I could hear was my alto tone that I had lived with since puberty.

"It's like…bells, ringing in the distance." He shook his head. "A stupid thing to say."

"No, it's sweet."

_That_ was the wrong thing to say. He stiffened and looked away again. Each breath he took was farther and farther apart, as if the very act of taking me in was breaking him apart.

"This isn't _sweet_ Bella. You were gone for three days. Charlie called and I said you were over here, but Jesus…I didn't know that…if I had known, maybe I could have…"

"You couldn't have done anything, Jake." I whispered.

His face fell and he began to cry again.

"I don't know what to do Bells. I should kill you for just being on the land…but you aren't just a vampire, you're-"

"Exactly, Jake. I'm me. I'm Bella. Nothing has changed."

"Everything has changed, Bella. I wanted so much for us and now we'll never have it." He stood and kicked the table over, picking it up again and snapping it in half. I sat very still, willing myself not to stop him. I would rather it be the table than myself. "I wanted to have kids with you, little boys with black curls and brown eyes…I wanted to grow _old_ with you…to stop being a wolf and just be me…"

I stood finally and moved to the broken table. I picked up the two pieces, impressed at how light they seemed to me, and frowned.

"We can probably fix this with a little glue." I said. "Do you have any wood glue, maybe?"

"Wood glue?" he laughed. "Bella, if only the solution was as easy as applying a little bit of wood glue."

I dropped the table and faced him. He looked at me with such sorrow it just broke my heart. That's when I realized…it hadn't hit me yet. I thought this was all some surreal, sick form of video game I was playing or maybe an alternate universe that I could step out of if I said the right thing. But Jacob was looking at me with such hopeless eyes that I knew…I knew it was over.

I put my hand on his cheek and for a moment he let his face rest in it. Then he breathed in and winced, handing my fingers back to me.

"I don't know what to do." I said.

"Tell me who did this to you." He demanded, stepping away again and moving to the window. "I want to kill them."

"It was the boy, Jacob." I decided not to follow him and instead went into the kitchen where a stew was indeed cooking.

"The one in your class? But why?"

"He was Tanya's sister. She was this vampire who loved Edward before I came along. It was a revenge thing…I guess."

"You guess?" he yelled. "How could _this_ be done out of love?"

"I just mean…I think maybe he wanted me to have to live forever not being able to have the one that I love. So I'd know how she felt."

"How can you be so _calm_?"

He fisted the windowpane, the wood making an awful sound. I let the sadness overcome me then, as dim light came in and lit up his face. I hadn't realized how badly I had wanted the same things that he did until I couldn't have them anymore. Beauty, no matter how great it was, was no substitute to the most important things in life.

I would never grow round with his children…. I would never see laugh lines in the mirror that came from years of joy. I would never be able to make room for someone else on this earth-I'd always be taking up too much space. And it would never be for any good. No higher purpose.

If I could cry, I would have. I _felt_ like crying, the sadness choking in my throat, but nothing came out. And that was suddenly the last straw. I couldn't even cry when I was sad? Then what could I do? Drink blood and wander the grounds forever.

The thought of blood sent another pang in my chest as my ears picked up on the race of Jacob's heart. But besides being tempting, there was something clouding the way of his thick and rich scent. A…wet dog, sort of smell. I wrinkled my nose and the feeling passed.

"Are you hungry?" he whispered.

I looked down and realized that I was staring the stew with intensity and longing that was more than for carrots and beef.

"Oh." I tried to think on the feeling of hunger but I felt nothing. Just a strange hollowness in my stomach. "I'm not…sure."

"Want to try some?" he offered.

I remembered the taste of stew…my human memory telling me that it was delicious and warm. Warm like blood? I nodded and he got out a bowl. Carefully moving around me, he ladled some in a bowl and handed me a spoon. I took the bowl in my hands and it was indeed warm.

I sat down at the table and eagerly took a bite. The initial taste wasn't…bad, but it felt more slimy than warm. I swallowed and it felt congealed in my throat. I wondered if I should spit it back up or just let it sit in there. Could I digest?

When I looked back up at Jacob I saw that he had an expression on his face, which was a mixture of confusion and worry.

"Good." I lied.

"You want blood." He sighed.

As soon as he had suggested it, my stomach heaved and I rushed to the sink, spitting up the stew. My throat finally started to burn, an ache that I felt like I would never be rid of.

"I'm sorry." I cried.

"Let's go hunting." He said finally.

**OOO**

Even as a wolf Jacob stayed far away from me. His large mass strayed a foot at least to the right of me as we walked into the forest.

"You sure none of the guys are in here?" I asked. He shook his head, his snout snorting out a gust of air. "And if I turn for you, run away?" He nodded.

I looked around me, trying to think about how this was to be done. I had never hunted before and Edward had always refused to let me watch any of his family do it. Did I just…go for the throat of an animal? Did I have to snap the neck? I shuddered in disgust.

"I don't know what to do Jake." I admitted. He reluctantly came over and nudged my hand. Then he swayed his head in a 'follow me' motion.

I was running then, and if there were one good thing in this whole mess it would be this. I was flying, gracefully and surely stepping out of the way of trees and branches, jumping over logs and rocks.

A smell came into the air. It was light, like grass or vegetables. My head snapped in the general direction and my feet flew underneath me as I moved towards it. It got stronger and stronger until my hands were around its neck and my teeth had sunk in deep. The blood felt good, great even, but I had a feeling when I tossed the corpse aside that it just wasn't enough. My throat still ached painfully, but I knew I'd have to get used to it eventually.

I ate two more, gorging myself in hopes that I'd be ok around normal people again. I wasn't sure how much control I had over the situation, because according to Edward, Newborns were dangerous and uncontrollable…a slave to their blood lust.

Jacob walked up to me and I sighed happily. Even if I repulsed him, _my_ heart still sang when I saw him. And with these new eyes of mine, I could see so much more than ever. Every flaw and perfection on him was brighter, smoother, and more beautiful. The light hit him in a million ways a million different times per second. He was amazing. A perfect specimen.

He was bare-chested and I noticed anew how beautiful he really was. I thought that being normal was my inadequacy, but I could see now that I would be inadequate next to him no matter what I was.

"Are you…finished?" he asked, wincing a little.

My fullness gave me new courage and strength. His disgust towards me, when I was behaving myself pretty damn well, irritated me.

"Come off it." I stepped in front of him and glared up.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me Jake." I stood my ground. When he tried to move I gripped him with both hands and held him there. He winced.

"Too tight."

"Tough. Now listen. I know this is…fucked up. It's not what either of us wanted. But I'm scared Jacob. I'm-" my voice caught. "I'm lost and I'm alone in this. And three days ago you told me that you loved me. I don't see why that has to change."

He pushed my arms away and started walking again. I didn't follow him so he turned around.

"I want to be able to say that nothing has changed, but how can it be that simple Bella? You're never going to age…you're never going to die. I don't know if I want to be the same way. I don't want _this_ forever." He gestured down his body and frowned.

"Nothing has changed for me in this, Jacob." I swallowed my pride and went to him again. This time I clasped his face in my hands and forced him to look right at me. "Except that now when I say that I want you forever, I mean it."

He squirmed a little but I didn't let him go. I was stronger than him now, and even though he reeked, he was still warm and handsome and kind. He was still the person I loved. I was still so attracted to him.

"Please let me go." He begged. "Your smell burns."

I reached on my toes and pressed my lips lightly against his. His eyes were crazed, trying to focus on me and push me away at the same time.

"I love you, Jake. Please don't give up on me." And then I released him.

**OOO**

Jacob agreed that it wasn't best for me to go back to Charlie's. At this point Charlie was used to me being down in La Push 24/7, but I was an adult. It wasn't like he could demand I come home even if he wasn't used to it.

I decided to stay the night, but the matter of where I would sleep was uncomfortable. Under normal circumstances, I would get into Jacob's bed without hesitation. But Jacob walked into his room and shut the door.

It was quiet in the living room. Billy was with the Clearwater's for the night and the rest of the pack was with their families. I was truly alone and that felt awful. I wondered if this was how it would be for the rest of eternity.

I didn't need to sleep, which was a strange feeling. I was _tired_ but when I tried to close my eyes, it felt awkward. I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs. I sat very still and listened for Jacob's breathing. I could hear it though his door was closed so I focused on the steady rhythm. It was the most beautiful thing that I had ever heard, far more complex than my human self had ever thought of before.

I decided to shut my eyes, more out of habit than for any other purpose. I focused on my own breathing, which was more mechanical than human now. It disturbed me at first but after an hour or so I was able to pretend that I was human and none of this was real.

I fell into a lull. Not sleep, or anything remotely similar, but a trance almost. I had never had the patience for meditation as a human, but I think this was what it could be like. I could meditate for hours now if I wanted to.

I heard a shifting in Jake's room and I snapped out of my trance. I listened to see if he was ok, and then closed my eyes again when I heard him snore a bit. Every bone I my body wanted him to wake up and come keep me company. But he actually needed sleep…he _could_ sleep. Why shouldn't he?

So I sat still and tried to imagine all of the things I could do now with my life.

**OOO**

The first thing that I did was quit my job. Loathe as I was to do so, I realized that my shockingly red eyes would probably send off a few warnings and suspicions. I hadn't looked in the mirror yet, but I could imagine how bad they were.

Afterwards, I sat on the couch again and I wished desperately that I could sleep. I felt so restless. A job would have been perfect to occupy myself if I thought that I could control myself.

Around seven or eight am, Jacob came out of the room and saw me. He blinked a couple times and then sleepily walked into the kitchen, his feet thudding on the floor.

"You're still here then." He grumbled.

"Being dead isn't too exciting….I thought I'd hang around the living to spice things up."

He grunted a response and started making breakfast. Though as a human I had found the smell of breakfast enticing, the frying of bacon and the hiss of eggs hitting the pan made me sick now. I felt sorry that he had to eat that. I was even more sorry that I had to smell it.

He came in with a plate of food and sat down next to me. This, at least, was an improvement. I watched him shovel the food in his mouth and then I took the plate from him and brought it to the kitchen.

"What are you doing?"

"Washing the dishes?"

He stiffened and then smiled.

"Am I boring you?" he joked dryly.

"Hardly." I ran water over the dish and took a sponge to it. "You are endlessly fascinating."

"Sure sure."

"No really." I dried the dish off and leaned against the kitchen table. "I've probably never been so entranced by someone before."

He shifted uncomfortably before standing and stretching.

"Oh, thanks I guess.. I'm going to go get dressed."

I thought of him pulling off his clothes, his body still soft from sleep, not hard and stiff like it was when he was around me recently. My breathing hitched and I spoke without thinking.

"Let me join you."

He froze, his hands balling into fists. I couldn't tell if he was going to punch me or just walk away. He opted for the latter, his door slamming loudly. It hurt like it had been in my face.

I could hear him slamming drawers closed angrily behind the closed door. I knew it was wrong for me to expect him to be ok with this only a couple hours after he had found me out. All the same, it was killing me that he had woken up feeling just as he had last night.

He came out wearing a tight green shirt and dark black pants. I looked away before he noticed my red eyes flashing with lust.

"You know what I miss most?" he whispered.

I kept my eyes adverted but I could hear him coming up behind me

"What?"

"Your eyes. I wish I hadn't taken them for granted…now I'll never see them again."

I let my head fall a little in defeat. I'd never be able to give him what he anted-me, normal.

"I know." I said sadly. "I'm sorry."

He sighed heavily and awkwardly patted me on the head once.

"I think we should part ways for the day."

I turned around quickly, fear rising n my chest.

"What? No. You can't-"

"We have to. I can't be here for you…forever. So, you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet."

"Jake, please." I felt pathetic begging. But a day without him felt endless.

"No, Bella. I'm going to hang out with the guys today. You aren't welcome."

I winced. I don't think I was ever not welcome before.

"Ok." I whispered. He nodded in response.

"I'm going to head out. Make sure you lock from the inside before you leave."

And then he was gone.

**OOO**

Sitting around was not something I wanted to do for another day in a row. If I had eternity, I might as well try and use it. But I didn't just have forever, I thought to myself slowly. I was also invincible now. Nothing, aside from ripping me apart and burning me, could hurt me. I could do anything…anything at all.

I knew at once what I wanted to do. I decided to run there, stretching my stiff legs. I managed to turn a thirty-minute drive into a 10-minute run. I stood at the edge of the cliffs, not even winded, feeling exhilarated.

I looked down at the depths, my hair swirling above me in a comical whirlwind. There was no reason in the world that I shouldn't jump. Nothing would happen to me, not even if I hit a rock. I could leap farther, dive deeper, swim underwater indefinitely. The world was my oyster, and so was the water.

I stepped back, preparing to jump. And then I did.

I felt like I was flying, my body extended in the air, curling in a ball right before I hit the water. I felt the water surround me, almost lovingly like a caress. I didn't rise to the top like I normally would, but rather stopped breathing and just looked.

It was kind of creepy, truth be told. The water wasn't clear like an arctic ocean, but it wasn't dirty either. It was…murky, weeds swimming around my face. I could see everything perfectly, better than my human eyes ever could, but there wasn't much to see. Disappointed I swam to the surface.

The salty breeze smelled wonderful, but it felt neither cold nor hot to me. I swam towards the beach sands, relishing the feeling in my arms and legs as I strained myself. I stepped up on the rocks and got out.

I was soaking wet. This normally wouldn't be a problem, but I couldn't go home in case Charlie saw me and I had locked Jacob's house before I left. Having wet clothes wouldn't do anything to me physically, but I didn't relish the idea of tramping around looking like a sewage rat.

I sighed heavily and tried to think of my options. I didn't have money, so I couldn't buy anything. My only real option was to just dry off. But where?

And then I realized where I wanted to go, my legs carrying me there before I could decided that it was a bad idea.

The Cullen house.

**OOO**

No one had been in there for years, that much was apparent. So when Edward and his family fled after the engagement, they truly hadn't come back just like they said they wouldn't. All the same, it looked just as beautiful as before. More so, even.

I stood before the door that I had walked in and out of so often, and wondered to myself if it would be locked. A part of me shivered to think that there might be more inside than I was prepared for.

"I can't die." I reminded myself.

I shook off my nerves and reached for the doorknob. I tried to turn it, but it was locked. I stamped my foot a bit childishly and sat down. A part of me knew it was pointless to come here, but this was the one place where vampires weren't freaks. Where they were accepted. I thought that maybe it would be comforting to have a bit of that reassurance in my life.

But the Cullen's were gone. I was supposed to be human. So many things were wrong and I just wanted to fix it.

"Bella?"

And there was the voice, which now with ears of an equal I heard was even more unimaginably perfect than my human self had ever thought.

I looked up and saw the face of the one person I hadn't thought of to seek help from. The one person who would probably be willing if I asked nicely enough.

Edward Cullen.

**A/N: ****I'm going to say something and I'm not sure of the reaction, but at this point I don't care.**

**Yes, for the past 3 chapters I did request that I get a certain amount of reviews before I post a new chapter. Why? Because I'm not an idiot. No one will read this story if it doesn't have a certain amount of reviews. As a writer, I don't want to be overlooked! :[ I normally don't care if people review my things or not, because I'm writing what **I **want to write, and that's all that matters. This time though, I decided to try and request that people review, using a new chapter as an incentive, to see if maybe I'd get more of a response in my story. Not because I'm "greedy" or "stupid" or a "bad writer". To be honest, I was just frustrated that so many people were subscribing to me but not reviewing. It felt sort of like I was being cheated. Because I **love** hearing from you guys. When I don't, I feel like I did something wrong.**

**But whether you review or not, quite frankly I think that it's (excuse my language) fucking mean spirited to review only for the purpose of saying that you think I'm (enter rude term here) for requesting reviews. It's not your business what I do or do not do with this story. It's MY story. That's the point. If you don't like it, don't read.**

**I'm not requesting a certain amount of reviews for the next chapter anymore, because honestly I get them too quickly and I don't have enough time in my schedule to write 10+ pages every day :/ However, I AM setting a new precedent. Every rude anonymous comment that I get will be deleted and if I start to get too many, I'll delete this story entirely and not think twice of it. Maybe that doesn't matter to you. Fine. But this is supposed to be a community where we entertain and support each other-NOT tear each other down.**

**As a final note, I hope that through this I didn't give any of you the impression that I'm a bitch or that all I care about is a number next to my story. Because I don't. And I ** encourage** all constructive criticism that you think I need. But I don't appreciate being torn down. I really hope that you enjoy this chapter. So thanks for reading, sorry if I came off wrong and enjoy the chapter. I had so much fun writing it.**


	11. Self Control

To say that I was excited to see Edward wasn't exactly using the right emotion. More like, I was grateful. His eyes swept over me, sitting on his doorstep (or former doorstep) and I knew that he could tell that I wasn't the same. And yet, he didn't shy away like Jacob had. He moved closer, offering me his hand and smiling as genuinely as he could.

"Bella."

I looked up. My new eyes could see all that my failed human ones ever could. Edward was perfect. There was no denying it. But as I took his hand and stood, our eyes locked and unblinking, I saw only Jacob.

"Am I terrible looking?" I whispered.

"Who did this?" was his curt reply.

I turned away and looked down. I didn't even know the boy's name…my existence would always be because of someone I didn't even know, out of hate and spite. It seemed so pathetic to not be able to give Edward a name…to not be able to give anyone a name. Forever.

"I don't know." I answered truthfully. The truth was excruciating to tell.

The sun was dazzling in the sky, yet another uncharacteristically warm day in Forks. Except this time, I had just as much fear of the sun as the Cullen's and every other Vampire in the world. I nervously looked down at my arm, the glittering surfacing reminding me of what I was now.

"Let's go inside." He suggested, sensing my discomfort. I nodded.

Stepping inside the house felt different than it did when I was a human. I saw now the beauty in the light that streamed through the glass walls. The intricate details on the wallpaper stood out, it's pattern twisting and snaking it's way up from the ground. Most importantly, I could feel the love so clearly in the atmosphere. The memories that clung to the carpet, settled among the dust.

We sat next to each other on the couch, which was facing the forest. I remember when he had flung himself out the house, flying me up into the trees and showing me a world beyond the branches. I had been entranced; I still was. Just not by him.

He stared at me, his gaze burning intensely through my curtain of hair. I knew that he was thinking of me, but I was just wondering when it would be ok to see Jake again.

"Bella, you are…beyond beautiful."

I winced and nodded an acknowledgment to his compliment. I had heard it so often from him, even when I was simply just a human.

"Everyone keeps saying that, but I haven't even looked at myself since I changed."

His brows furrowed as he took my hand and lifted me up. Gracefully we waltzed across the room and to the mirror that hung near the staircase. It had been Rosalie's, I think.

"Look." He instructed. And I did.

"Oh." I breathed.

And despite everything, apart from my worries and my fears for the future, I loved what I saw. A girl with skin with a perfect complexion made of cream, stared back at me. Pink roses highlighted her cheeks and the longest, thickest black lashes framed her eyes. Her hair, which I remembered was once simply a dark mahogany, boring and lackluster, now fell in the most carefully sculpted waves, past her breasts and resting at her waist. Bits of red came through in the sun, making her eyes stand out even more. Even her eyes, my eyes, which were a vivid and violent red, were beautiful and focused. My body, which I looked down at, was firmer than it had been as a human. I was slender, but muscled in a ballerina type way; fragile but strong. I looked at myself again in the mirror and smiled.

I was someone who could easily stand next to any of the family I loved so much…even Rosalie.

I turned to Edward and for the first time since our previous threatening encounter, threw my arms around him and embraced him warmly. His skin was no longer cold to me. I registered that it wouldn't be anymore, now that we were the same temperature.

He hugged me back, lightly patting my back and then pulling away.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"Anytime." He said.

But something sounded wrong in his voice. It sounded strangled, torn between emotions. I touched his shoulder lightly and hummed sadly.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I never wanted this for you." He murmured.

I breathed sharply and took a step back. I hadn't wanted it either, but I was counting on his reassurance. As of ten minutes ago, he was all that I had in this.

"Alice saw it happening…" I reminded him.

"Alice saw a lot of things. The future is always subject to change and after you-" he looked away for a moment. "When we left, she never saw you as a vampire again. You were safe…"

Hearing him mention Alice sent a pang through my chest. I missed the tiny pixie-like presence more than I could ever put into words. Life had been so difficult without her.

"Can I see her?" I asked quietly, trying not to get my hopes up.

"Ask me yourself." Came a peal of bells.

I looked up and Alice was flying down the staircase.

**OOO**

I felt her body slam into me and I dug my face into her neck. I barely let myself believe that this was Alice, here and now, before she danced back and smiled widely.

"I can't believe you're one of us!" she exclaimed happily. Edward hissed and she nudged him playfully. "Oh, stop. There's nothing that you can do about it now, so lighten up."

"When did you get here?" I breathed.

"We've been here all along!" she looked at Edward who kept his gaze focused on the mantel. "Well, sort of."

"Explain please."

"Edward came here for a specific reason, which I assume you know. Naturally, I didn't want him to go through with it. I followed to make sure that he wouldn't hurt himself."

"I can't imagine that Edward would allow you to follow him if his purpose was to die."

"When has that ever stopped Alice before?" Edward practically growled as Alice wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug.

"I'm just glad we're all back together again."

There was an awkward silence that filled in the room as we all thought of how untrue that statement was. Edward and I weren't together anymore and the rest of her family was separated over the continent. And it was all because of me. I had ruined so much for them.

"Alice…"I began. I'm so-"

"No apologies necessary." She waved me off. "You'll come live with us now and we'll protect you. You're family."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Alice…" Edward warned.

"What?" she snapped at him. "You expect me to let her suffer on this miserable stretch of land by herself? She doesn't know how to handle herself, much less take care of herself." She looked at me cautiously for a moment and then frowned. "In fact…how _are_ you so…composed? You can't be more than a few months old."

I shook my head nervously. I had wondered that myself to be honest. Most of Edward's stories from when he first changed were violent tales of bloodlust and lack of self-control.

"I have no idea." I answered truthfully. "And actually, yesterday was my first day of being transformed."

"That's impossible." She breathed. "Your eyes are not nearly as vibrant as they should be and you're so…focused."

I shrugged and smiled sheepishly.

"Maybe it's my super power?" I suggested.

"Self control?"

"Or maybe." Edward interrupted. "Maybe being warned about what it would be like for her has made a difference. Think about it, Alice. None of us knew what to expect. But Bella once _wanted_ this. She knew what would happen down to the last detail."

"It's certainly probable…" she mused. "Have you been around humans?"

"Just Jake." I admitted.

"Smells bad doesn't he?" she joked.

"No." I shook my head. "It's still just him. He smells great, actually."

"And you didn't _eat_ him?"

"No." I shook my head again, this time more venomously. "It's _Jake_."

"So…?"

"So I just…didn't. Even when he was very appealing."

Her mouth contorted into a straight line, her lips pressed thin against each other. She looked distressed for the first time since seeing me, but I wasn't sure why she was so worried. Surely self-control was a good thing, right? Better that than having to deal with me storming around town, ripping out throats.

She started to chew nervously on her fingernail, something that I had never seen beautiful, fashionable Alice do before, and then she composed herself.

"Right." She said. "Well, let's just…get comfortable, shall we? It seems like we have a lot to catch up on."

**OOO**

"I'm sorry it's so dirty in here." Alice apologized. "Truth be told, I've been in here as much as Edward has over the past week or so."

"Like she's worrying about the _house_ right now Alice." Grumbled Edward, whom she shushed.

"Tell me how this happened." She asked gently, but I didn't know how to start.

I told her about the boy in class, Tanya's brother, who bit me out of spite. Alice shivered and looked out the window.

"Have either of you heard from Tanya?" I asked.

"She visited me a month ago." Edward admitted. Both of us looked at him sharply.

"And?" Alice bit.

"She wanted to know my…status."

I sighed heavily. It all fit. Tanya visited Edward and, upon seeing that he still didn't want her even when he wasn't with me, ran home upset. A couple weeks later and my life was ended. Or extended; however you wanted to see it.

"Alice, can I ask you something?"

"Anything, Bella."

"Is there any known…" I took a deep breath. I begged myself not to get my hopes up, but it was too late. "Cure? Is there any way that I could go back?"

"Oh." She shifted uncomfortably on the couch, and the room fell silent.

"I'm going to go hunt." Edward said and left the room quickly.

Alice looked at me sadly and I knew I shouldn't have asked. No use in getting upset about something you can't fix. The only alternative to being a vampire was being dead…permanently. I didn't want that anymore than I wanted to be _this_.

"Bella, I am so sorry that this happened to you." She softly atoned. "I know that the main reason you left us was because you wanted to be human, and it seems cruel that you got our fate anyway. But," she took a deep breath. "The offer still stands... that you can come stay with us. Jasper and I, I mean."

I put my hand over Alice's and smiled at her as genuinely as I could. I was glad that Jasper had stayed behind, wherever he was. I wasn't in the mood for him to meddle.

"Thanks, Alice. I mean it. But that didn't answer my question."

She nervously stood and paced around the rom. I had never seen her so agitated before.

"I just…I don't know." She admitted. "I have no idea if there's a cure, but…"

"But?" I pressed, standing as well. "Alice, please. If you know something I don't, _tell _me."

Pushing past me, she sat down again. I looked down at my tiny sister like figure and grimaced. She didn't look happy, and generally when Alice looked worried, we all had reason to worry.

"I see…something." She admitted.

"What?"

"I see your future. You're wearing a dress and you're…human."

I breathed in sharply, hardly letting myself believe what she said.

"But then there's hope, isn't there? That means there has to be a cure, we just don't know about it."

"Bella, yes. It's possible that there is a cure. But the dress that you're wearing is black. It's a funeral."

**OOO**

The spots in Alice's vision clearly bothered her. She lay very still on the couch, her hands pressed against her temple. As soon as she told me that I was at a funeral, the vision changed. I was a vampire again, running through a field with her, 100 years in he future.

She couldn't figure out why my future kept swinging back and forth, but I knew why. Knowing that someone would die, potentially in my place, changed things. I couldn't sacrifice my humanity for someone else's. And yet…part of me wanted to be human so badly.

No. I couldn't do that. Not to anyone in my life…not even to a stranger.

"Bella, please." Alice groaned, rubbing her temples.

"Sorry." I sat down next to her and sat very still.

"No." she said.

"But I haven't even asked you yet."

"It doesn't matter. I know what you want."

She curled into a ball and moaned as the future changed again. I imagined that it probably felt like being extremely carsick and then going fast over hills, your stomach swaying.

"Please?" I asked quietly. I knew that it was wrong to press Alice, but I couldn't help it.

"I don't know much." She admitted.. "Only this. If there _were_ a cure, the Voltori would be the ones who know it. Except…Bella…if you ask the Voltori to somehow change you back, they'd have to…"

"Kill me." My heart, cold and unbeating, felt heavy in my chest.

Of course they'd have to kill me. A human couldn't live with the secret of the vampires in their minds. The only reason that they had let me live for so long was because they assumed that I would be changed eventually.

Alice sat up and pulled me close. What was once a nice yet firm and a bit hard hold was now a soft and yielding comfort. Our skins were not too strong for each other…we were equal. It gave me comfort to know that those I loved so much, despite everything, could no longer hurt me. For Alice and I…for all of us, there was now only love.

And knowing this made it so hard to see the bad parts of being a vampire. Yes, being a vampire wasn't the best thing to ever happen to me. But these people…this family…they _were_.

Their love for me was more than the love for me that my friends from school had. Their love had limits. Death would separate us, therefore splitting the love into the universe. But I would always love Alice. It would never end.

But endless love, or the idea of it, brought me back into a full circle; back to Jacob. My love for him was endless, too. I had always wondered how Edward could love me when I was nothing more than a human. Now I saw; now I got it. The love, once started, had no reason to stop. Time couldn't heal all wounds because time didn't exist.

"You're staying a vampire?" she asked, her voice unsure.

"I don't know Alice." I said truthfully. "I'm not sure I even have a choice."

**OOO**

It felt good to stretch my legs, when I had been sitting still for so long. I ran from the Cullen's to La Push, not stopping until I could smell the musk and man scent that was Jacob.

I paused before entering the door. Would the "don't knock, just come in" rule still apply now that I wasn't the same person? I moved to the door and tried the knob. It was locked.

"Come on, Jacob." I groaned.

I heard footsteps coming to the door and then it swung open.

"Bella. " he said and he gave a little bit of a smile. "You smell…"

"Don't." I pushed past him and stepped inside the house.

Billy was on the couch, watching some football game, as usual. So that much hadn't changed.

"You look different." He said, a bit of a gin in his voice.

"So you know?" I asked.

"Hard not to, with Jacob storming around here all day."

"You tell my Dad?"

Billy turned around. Through his drooping jowls and deep-set eyebrows, he stared at me with the saddest pair of eyes that I had ever seen.

"I can't do that to my best friend." He said and then turned back around.

I gulped and looked around for Jacob. He was still by the door, a strange expression on his face. I couldn't place it, though it was vaguely familiar.

"Jake…are you ok?"

He sat down, clutching his chest and looking at me as though I were blinding him. I ran to him and took his hand.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"I love you." He said. "Bella, I love you so much."

And he took my face in his hands and kissed me, his lips the warmest thing I've ever felt, his pulse echoing from his wrist next to my ear.

**OOO**

**Jacob: ** The anger that I felt towards Bella for coming back was unbearable. It consumed me, that icy smell of hers making me want to rip her-or myself-limb from limb. She was sweet, too sweet, fire in my nose.

She tried to open the door and upon seeing that it was locked, cursed loudly and kicked it.

"Might as well get it son." Billy mumbled, his eyes never leaving the TV screen. I sighed and reluctantly agreed with him.

I swung the door open and she looked up at me.

I felt a little twitch in my chest, as if someone was untying a double-knot, tension releasing from strings.

"Bella." I said. I found myself smiling a little bit. Why didn't she smell bad? Instead of fiery sweetness, she smelled like fresh baked cookies…cinnamon and sugar, twisted with cake batter and… "You smell…"

"Don't." she demanded and pushed past me.

I couldn't move. Distantly I heard her arguing with Billy over something, but my ears were roaring. A strange twisting was happening inside of me. Not just one knot was being undone, but two knots, three knots-a million knots.

I saw Bella looking at me and all of a sudden every free string snipped out of my chest, my innards completely coming undone. All that was left was one string and it was moving towards her.

I fell to the ground, clutching my chest. I didn't know what was going on, but it felt like I was dying. My chest hurt so badly, like I couldn't get enough air.

"Jake, are you ok?"

Her hands were on my arms, shoulder, cheek; her skin was ice cold, making my headache disappear instantly.

I could breathe again. Her blood red eyes simmered on mine and with her near me I could feel every little thing I had ever worried about disappear. I didn't hurt anymore, I was perfect.

"What's going on?" she said gently. Her voice was a smooth alto, as if she had blended a thousand comforting sounds in a blender and then drank it.

"I love you." I blurted out. I knew that it was true. I had thought that what I felt for her before was love, but I was stupid. That wasn't love, that was a little boy with a crush. This…this was love. This fire and ice combination that existed between us…this intensity and passion that burned beneath my skin. "Bella, I love you so much."

I grabbed her face and kissed her. Her lips were cold and firm, yet they yielded to me instantly. There was no resistance and so I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her.

It was as if I had never known what my purpose in life was before I met her. It was as though I would never be able to put into words how much I loved her.

My life was meant to be near hers. Forever.

I had imprinted.

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><p><strong>AU: For those who stuck around after last chapter, thank you! Don't worry, this isn't a Edward/Bella story. Anyways, tell me what you think? : )**


	12. Red, Violent Red

**Jacob: **Every breath that I took felt like the very first one. Can a person be born again every second? Her skin below my hand felt like a cold cloth on a blistering headache. I didn't even know that I had one, but that was how she felt to me: soothing, surprising, comforting.

"I don't understand." she whispered. Her voice was the soft sound of a thousand flowers parting in a field.

I smoothed my thumb along her cheek. I let my fingers tangle themselves in her hair, pulling her close and I breathed her in.

"I don't understand it either Bella." I sighed. Even saying her name felt right.

"How can you imprint on me as a vampire, but not as a human?" she let her own hands wonder a bit until we heard a cough behind us.

We turned and saw Billy glaring at the two of us. As relaxed as he was for a father, I knew that even he had his limits. No father wanted to see his son grope his girlfriend.

But she was so much more than my girlfriend. She was my destiny, my future, my reason for breathing. I was every cliché in the world as I looked back at her face. Her wide red eyes were still every bit as beautiful to me as her brown ones, though I did miss them. I motioned towards my room and we sped inside.

Our hands barely left each other as soon as the door was closed. I rested my hand on her hip, grinding into her and feeling her cold breath on my shoulder. I bent down and took her lips onto mine. I tugged and pulled as her lips parted for my tongue.

I felt her shudder as I moved my lips down her neck, pressing and sucking on each spot individually. Her hair fanned my face, the sweet smell rolling over me. I hoped I'd smell like her when she was gone.

I lifted her up and her legs wrapped around me. The wall hit her hard back as I threw her up against it. I could feel my cock pressing into her and I stifled a groan. Her fingers pushed and pulled on my hair and shivers went down my back. I needed her, more than I needed the air around me.

My hand went up her shirt, feeling her firm breasts beneath my fingers. And then there was a tiny sharp pain in my neck.

"Shit!" I heard her say.

I looked at her face, her red eyes upon me. Her hand went to my neck and came back with blood dripping from the tips of her fingers.

She was shaking as she looked at the blood…and then she stuck her fingers in her mouth and sucked. The look on her face was immensely gratifying. I almost came right then as she reached back for more. The wound had already healed, however, and she looked back at my face.

I was calm. Don't ask me why, considering that a vampire was drinking my blood-and wanted more. Instead of throwing her out the window, I moved quickly and dropped her on my bed. I moved on top of her, feeling her body shift underneath my own.

I offered my wrist to her and she looked at it as if observing a meal. When her eyes moved back to mine there was so much lust in them that I could only press it to her lips. It didn't hurt like the first nip did. I expected it, the pain, but what I hadn't expected was the pleasure. Her lips and tongue sucked on my skin, pulling out blood. I found myself getting even harder, if that was fucking possible.

She released my arm and sighed. Her lips were red, violent red. I kissed them, tasting myself, and lost it.

I ripped off her shirt, shreds softly falling to the ground. My mouth sucked down on her breast, biting the nipple and tugging out.

She started to scream but I slammed my hand over her mouth. I felt the bite almost immediately, and then a sucking. My heart sped up almost uncontrollably. This wasn't sex, it was violence.

Her legs wrapped around my waist. She pulled me down and our bodies slid across each other like glass. My shirt came off next, her hands moving quickly and nimbly, managing to save the shirt somehow.

She bit my neck, sucking and drawing blood. Her mouth moved down as she repeated the process throughout my torso. I don't know how I didn't come in my pants. My desire for her was that strong.

She took my pants off with her teeth and then came back up. Heats flooded down to my cock as I felt the air in the room surround me. She had stripped me completely naked. From underneath me, she took me in her mouth. For a moment I feared that she'd bite, but instead there was only her tongue. She sucked, her tongue ice cold against my heat. I barely lasted a minute.

She slid back up to face me, the need evident in her eyes. I tore off her pants carelessly, ripping them almost as badly as her shirt. She smiled and kissed me, gentle for a moment.

I slid inside her. I wasn't fast enough and her loud moan filled the room. I prayed Billy wasn't near as I thrust in again.

The first time that we had sex it was gentle, and her body was soft and compromising to my own. This time s_he_ was hard on _me_. She was unyielding, and our muscles seemed to clash together. It was amazing, not having to be careful with her. It was amazing that I was inside her in more than one way. My blood, my spit, _myself_.

We came together, our moans harsh against the silence of the room. I collapsed down next to her.

**OOO**

When I opened my eyes, she was looking at me. It wasn't creepy, but it made me jump a bit. And then I remembered.

"You can't sleep." I whispered in her ear. "How sad."

She shrugged under the covers. I could see her naked breasts, and I gently ran my palm over her side. She sighed and came back into me.

"Was that weird Jacob?" She bit her lip and looked up at me through her lashes. "Be honest."

"Was…what weird? Having sex?"

"Me…drinking your blood."

Heat filled my stomach as I remembered. God, it was so hot. The best sex I've ever had.

"No." I cupped her cheek and concentrated on the texture of her skin. It was like…marble, or stone; she was a beautiful statue.

"Mmm." She groaned into my skin.

"It was…kind of a turn on."

She laughed and rolled onto her back. I trailed my fingers down her stomach.

"What?" I asked.

"You like nasty vamp sex?" she giggled a bit and covered her face with her hands. "God, we're such freaks."

I bent over and kissed her stomach, biting a little.

"We were made for each other." I said simply.

She kissed my forehead and I rested my head on her stomach. There used to be light fuzz covering her skin, which made her tickle when I breathed on it. Now it was glossy and smooth, completely devoid of fuzz. She hummed in happiness.

"I love you, Jacob Black." She told me. Her honesty made me so fucking happy.

"I love you more, Isabella Swan."

**OOO**

**Bella:** When Jacob had fallen asleep again, I got out of bed. My clothes were ruined, but I managed to find a soft flannel shirt in Jacob's closet. It was huge on me, almost like a dress. I buttoned it up and slipped out the door.

Alice was waiting for me. I had texted her nearly an hour ago, imploring her to bring me clothes and keep me company. She stood; still as a statue, and I wondered how long she had been here. If I had the ability to blush, I would have.

In her hands was a neatly folded stack of clothes. Gratefully I took them from her and took off Jacob's shirt. I pulled on the jeans she had brought me, and then the filmy blue shirt. It felt nice, new even. I raised an eyebrow in her direction and she smiled.

"I did a little shopping for you today. Don't be mad."

"Alice!" I hissed. "How much did all of this cost."

She waved her hand in my direction and grinned.

"If you're that concerned, you can pay me back. We do have forever, you know."

My heart sped up as I remembered what I was. While Jacob had been a welcome distraction, I still had a lot to think about. For instance, what would I tell Charlie? I couldn't go to him in person, he'd know immediately that something was wrong.

And Renee…I frowned. My poor mother couldn't be held off with emails forever. What if she wanted me to visit?

"Alice…" I said sadly. "Please help me."

She nodded and held out her hand.

"Let's go back to the house and talk about things there."

I folded the shirt up and tucked it under my arm. Together we ran.

**OOO**

It was very early in the morning, but when I stepped inside the house there were lights on and piano music played softly in the background.

"Edward, we're back!" she cried out. And then she looked at me. "Oh, dear. Ok. Let's fix you up before he sees you."

She dragged me into the bathroom and started sweeping my hair back into a knot. She moved her fingers across my face, applying a light layer of makeup and mascara. When I looked into the mirror I still couldn't believe it.

Alice frowned.

"Your eyes are getting even less vibrant. I don't understand how you can be evolving so quickly…"

I shrugged and smiled happily. Maybe they'd be almost normal sooner than I thought. Maybe I _could_ see Charlie!

Footsteps came up the stairs and she winced.

"Well, here's to hoping he doesn't smell or see the sex on you."

I crossed my fingers by my feet and silently prayed he'd be oblivious for once. He appeared in the doorway, knocking lightly.

"Hello ladies." He grinned. "Have a nice day? You look lovely, Bella."

"Thanks." I tried to smile genuinely.

"So! Edward." Alice interrupted. "Did you pick up the contacts like I asked?"

He pulled out a small box from behind his back and placed them on the counter. He rested his hand on my back for a moment and then walked out.

"I think he saw what you looked like earlier in my thoughts." She said sadly. "I tried to keep it out…"

"Is it that obvious?" I asked, a bit in doubt.

"Sweetheart…you _reek_ of dog. I mean, God. Did you _eat_ him?"

I giggled a bit despite myself and she flicked me on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I love him."

She nodded and I felt the conflict inside of her. To be happy for me meant to stop being angry for her brother. I wished, not for the first time, that things could be easier somehow.

"So it would seem." She murmured. "Anyway." She picked up the box and put it in my hands.

"What is it?" I inquired.

"It's contact lenses. They're the closest we could get to your old color. Put them in and you'll have normal eye color for an hour or two. The venom will burn them out fairly quickly though, so use them sparsely."

"Thanks Alice!"

I looked down at the box and wondered quietly if it would be enough to trick Charlie. I missed him so much.

"It won't be enough, Bella. I'm sorry."

I sighed and tried not to feel as defeated as I did. When I looked up into the mirror I saw someone so beautiful that it was almost alien to me. I was such a flawed human being and none of that existed now. He wouldn't believe it was me even if I told him.

"Don't worry." Came a musical voice behind me. It was Edward. "We'll figure this out."

**OOO**

I was eager to get back to Jacob, but I let several hours pass. He still needed sleep and I was loath to take it away from him. Our time apart wasn't completely wasted, however. Alice and I sat and spoke candidly about what she had been up to in the last few years.

Apparently, the Cullen's had only been together for the first year after their departure. Then they had split off into their respective pairs. Edward had stuck around with Alice and Jasper for a couple months and then said his goodbyes and went to South America by himself.

Alice and Jasper lived in a small cabin by themselves in Ohio. The weather was nice, but cloudy, so they were able to wonder around and not be noticed. When the weather was exceptionally nice they stayed in the woods, hiking and running around freely.

Neither one of them held a job, but when asked they said that they had just graduated and were taking some time off before entering "the real world". That made me smile. None of the Cullen's _needed_ a job. The money that they had already accumulated would hold them off for many decades.

"We even made friends!" Alice exclaimed, her teeth dazzling in the dim lights.

"Oh?"

"Well, I made friends. Jasper is still…getting used to humans."

I nodded. Jasper had only been on a diet for maybe a decade, if not a little more. He was never very accustomed to it when I knew him, and I remembered my 18th birthday in grim horror.

"What did you tell them when you left?"

"Well…" she bit her lip.

"Alice." I groaned. "What did you do?"

"Jasper is still there…I told people that I was bringing a friend back with me."

"Wait." I rubbed my head. "You knew that this would happen?"

"No…I just…Bella, this has been hard on all of us, you know. I was going to beg you to come and live with us, even offer to change you myself if that's what it took. I've missed you a lot."

I leaned foreword and hugged her.

"You have no idea how much I love you, Alice."

"The sun's up." She said and pulled away. "Better go pick up your dog."

I stood and smiled down at her.

"Go easy on him, ok?"

"Just…can you at least consider coming to live with Jasper and I?"

I gave her another smile and nodded. The only thing on my mind at the moment was seeing Jacob.

**OOO**

I watched Jacob as he ate what used to be my favorite cereal. After a few minutes he put down his spoon and looked at me.

"You look sad." He stated. I shrugged. "What's wrong?"

"Just a nostalgic feeling towards your food."

He grinned and offered me a bite. I shook my head. I wasn't trying _that_ again.

"Anything else on your mind? I could take your mind off of it…"

I smiled at him and took his hand in mine. I loved him so much for caring about me, but I didn't want to worry him. Truthfully, I was more than considering leaving with Alice. It would be so nice to just roam free. I was certain that I could handle being around people if I needed, but a hideaway in the woods was tempting. Part of me wanted to keep this idea from Jacob, but there shouldn't be any secrets between us.

"Alice offered me a place to live." I said.

His eyes widened for a moment, but he seemed to visibly collect himself. He then nodded and ate some more cereal. I heard his spoon scrape against the bowl as he finished.

"Are you going to leave?" he asked.

"I just don't think it's safe for me to stay in Forks right now." I admitted. "Too many people know me, or rather who I used to be, and I don't want them to…"

"To put the pieces together? Bella, people aren't going to know you're a vampire. Maybe they'll think you got plastic surgery, but nothing else."

I grimaced and looked down.

"I figured it out." I said. It was the truth. All it had required was a little research and I had figured out Edward's secret in a little over a night in my room.

"So, you'd like to leave?" he asked me softly.

"Yes, I think so."

He stood up and put his dish away. Then he came back and sat across from me.

"Ok, we'll leave."

I blinked. I stared at him, trying to decipher a hidden meaning, but there didn't seem to be any.

"You'd leave? Just like that?"

"Bella." He took my hands in one of his. "You are my life. You are _everything_ to me. I couldn't just let you leave. But if this is what you want, then ok. Let's do it."

I couldn't contain my happiness. Was it possible to get everything that I wanted in life?

"What about the pack?"

"We'll always be a pack, there are no rules saying that we have to be glued to one another forever."

I nodded and smiled again. I felt like my cheeks might split.

"So you'll really go with me?"

"Of course."

And he leaned across the table to kiss me.

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><p><strong>AN: I told you guys that I had a plan! I have it figured out :] Reviews would be lovely. Thanks!**


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